55 Days Until We Can Give Thanks

Spike Dolomite
4 min readNov 26, 2020

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The criminal pardon spree has begun. A criminal president has pardoned a co-conspirator in the Russian election interference on his way out the door. Trump pardoned Mike Flynn at 4 pm the day before Thanksgiving via tweet because Mike Flynn knows a lot about what went down with Russia and the a Trump campaign. Flynn pleaded guilty twice for lying to the FBI. The law and order president says it’s cool to lie to law enforcement. Trump is taking care of himself by taking care of those who have taken care of him. More to come. He’s going to hand them out one at a time to build suspense and keep people quiet while he cooks up his next criminal move. The grand finale should be a self pardon.

Who’s next? Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue preemptively? Charles Manson posthumously? His entire family predictably?

A person has to be guilty to be pardoned. Mike Flynn pleaded guilty twice and has been in court to retract both pleas but now Trump has come along to say he’ll handle it from here. Trump abusing his authority may amount to him abusing his “friends” which is ironic and funny and so on brand.

The Supreme Court ruled that religious organizations in New York can spread covid if they want to. Before RBG died, they voted 5–4 in favor of restrictions and common sense. After her death they voted 5–4 in favor of stupidity. Amy Coney Barrett was the deciding vote.

The Trump administration is aiming to bring back firing squads and electrocutions. 5 death row inmates are scheduled to die before he leaves office and he wants them to really suffer. He plans on giving his blood thirsty cult followers a real show for the final episode of “Who Wants to be a Billionaire President?”

Joe Biden opposes the death penalty.

Covid deaths have topped 260,000 and Trump has done NOTHING. He hasn’t even acknowledged all of those deaths nor has he thrown out phony thoughts and prayers. He’s preoccupied with “turning the election around.”

People are dying by 9/11 numbers every 36 hours from covid and half of the country is not only indifferent to the loss and suffering of 3,000 families, they’re causing it.

“Everybody in America thinks they could one day become a billionaire but nobody thinks they could get covid” — Ellory Smith

1 million people went through airport security checkpoints yesterday even though the CDC advised against it. Into the covid crockpot they go. Christmas is going to suck.

Trump’s Gettysburg address got screwed up because one of Rudy’s Sherpas tested positive. Trump’s reign began with him riding down the escalator at Trump Tower and is ending with him lying in the gutter in front of the Gettysburg Motel.

Lying in the gutter. That’s punny.

Trump’s crackpot lawyers are claiming that the US Army took the ballots for Trump and sent them to Germany.

President-elect Biden sympathizes with those who will have to celebrate Thanksgiving after losing a loved one. “I remember that first Thanksgiving. It’s hard to care. It’s hard to give thanks. It’s hard to think about looking forward. It’s hard to hope.” He also emphasized the importance of staying safe during the pandemic. “None of the steps we are asking people to take are political statements. We’re at war with a virus. Not one another.”

Trump hasn’t wished the country anything for Thanksgiving. Let’s hope he stays at Mar-a-Lago and blows off coming back to DC for good.

As we all gorge ourselves today, don’t forget to give thanks for the immigrants who grew and harvested everything on our plates. These invisible essential workers perform back breaking work for little pay, little respect, and must live in constant fear that they or anyone they love will be deported because Trump scapegoated and demonized them in order to control and rev up his racist base. Immigrants have earned and deserve more protections and rights, and a path to legal status and citizenship. They’re not criminals.

Oh, and while we’re acknowledging the contributions of immigrants to our feast, let’s denounce the myth of the first Thanksgiving as being about savages feeding the puritan supreme benevolent good Christians who “discovered” a new land. Tell our kids the truth. Give thanks, yes, but shoot down the legend that the first Americans were European settlers and that the people who were already living here were not only cool with it, they made them dinner.

55 days until we can give thanks.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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