A Racist, a Con Man, and a Cheat

Spike Dolomite
4 min readFeb 28, 2019

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Michael Cohen is testifying before the House Intelligence Committee today. He testified in front of the House Oversight Committee yesterday and burst the Baby Trump Blimp Bubble.

Republican Mark Meadows immediately asked for the Cohen hearing to be postponed. The Republicans pounded their chests and competed for Fox News sound bytes until Chair Elijah Cummings, a former trial lawyer, got them under control.

Jim Jordan stole the show by invoking the Clintons, Tom Steyer, and Qanon crazy talk reminding people that he’s the guy who covered for a sexual predator and now he’s covering for Trump.

Elijah Cummings said the days of the committee protecting the president are over.

Michael Cohen opened with reading a prepared statement in which he admitted that Trump ran for office to make his brand great, not to make America great. He just did it to build his fame and wealth. He never expected to win. It was just a marketing opportunity. His candidacy was supposed to be one big infomercial. He said that Trump is a racist and is even worse in private. He once said that black people would never vote for him because they’re too stupid and that only black people could live in the slums of Chicago. He deflated his assets to reduce his taxes and inflated them to get loans. He had Cohen threaten his high school and college, plus the college board, to say he’d sue them if they released his grades or SAT scores. Cohen said that nothing went on with the campaign without Trump’s knowledge and approval. Trump reimbursed Cohen for paying off Stormy Daniels after the inauguration. Trump talked to Julian Assange to get the leaked emails. He knew about the Trump Tower meeting in June 2016 because Junior told him.

Cohen concluded with there were no bone spurs, “You think I’m stupid? I’m not going to Vietnam.” He pointed out that while he was testifying in front of Congress about him, that Trump was in Vietnam, where Senator Jim McCain was tortured for 5 years and mocked as a loser by Trump because he was captured. “I’m no longer your fixer, Mr. Trump. I have not asked for and wouldn’t accept a pardon from Mr. Trump.”

“Trump is a racist, a con man, and a cheat.”

“For the record, Individual One is President Donald J. Trump.”

The Republicans spent all of their time attacking Cohen for being a liar. They never, not once, asked any questions about Trump. The Democrats spent their time getting at the truth. Congressman Raskin said that his colleagues were not upset that Cohen lied for Trump. They were upset that he stopped lying for him.

Cohen had had enough of Gym Jordan getting in his face and finally said, “Shame on you!” and warned all of the Republicans that if they don’t stop covering for Trump that they’ll be in the same fix that he’s in right now. He said, “I just find it interesting, sir, that between yourself and your colleagues, that not one question so far since I’m here, has been asked about President Trump. That’s actually why I thought I was coming today.”

Republicans tried to discredit Michael Cohen even after making him the Deputy Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee in 2017.

To prove that Trump wasn’t a racist Mark Meadows brought out Exhibit A, Lynne Patton, a black person, and said if Trump was racist he wouldn’t have hired her (Lynne Patton is the Trump family wedding planner who, due to cronyism, was put in charge of federal housing for all of New York and New Jersey despite being totally unqualified — she lied about her degrees.) This pissed Rashida Tlaib off and she said that using Lynne Patton as a human prop was racist. They got into it and Elijah Cummings had to intervene. Mark Meadows gave him the stink eye and said something about him not being a racist because he once stuck up for Elijah Cummings and he’s black.

Through the Democrats’ questioning, the public learned that Cohen has over 100 taped conversations of him and Trump, that Trump hired someone to make a fake bid on a portrait of himself at an auction to get the highest price and then he reimbursed the fake bidder with a check from his charity, that he thought the US government was stupid to give him a $10 million tax refund, that there were more than 2 hush money payoffs during the campaign. that Cohen met with Trump in the White House ahead of his congressional testimony in May 2017 and Trump wanted him to lie about the Moscow deal, that Cohen’s fraudulent testimony was reviewed by Jared and Ivanka’s lawyer before he gave it, that Junior, Eric and Ivanka all knew about the Moscow deal and that he briefed them ten times during the presidential campaign.

Everyone linked to Trump was aware of Russian deals and lied about it.

Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz asked if it was possible the whole Trump family was compromised by Russia ahead of the 2016 election and Cohen answered “Yes.”

Would Trump do anything possible to win when it came to Russia? Yes.

Cohen confirmed that he is cooperating with prosecutors on a multiple ongoing investigations regarding Trump, “There are ongoing investigations currently being conducted that have nothing to do with this committee or Congress that I am assisting in.”

Cohen gave proof of a series of crimes, all of which are impeachable offenses, including conspiracy against the US, bank fraud, campaign finance violations, witness tampering, fraud, false charity activities, false ethics filings, and making false statements.

There is no way out for Trump. The question now is how does he leave office?

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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