America in a NUT Shell
It’s mid-February 2023 and so far the Republicans have done one thing — argue about whether or not the people have a right to see Hunter Biden’s dick.
Trump called DeSantis a fucking meatball.
At the Washington Press Club annual congressional dinner, Republican Congresswoman Nancy Mace told the crowd, “I know everyone thinks Republicans aren’t funny, but if you get a bunch of us together we can be real riot.”
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre formally announced in a press briefing that there aren’t any extra terrestrials. They’ve had a lot of questions about UFOs but she wanted to set the record straight and assure everybody that there aren’t any UFOs. Only one thing was missing. When she turned around to leave, there should have been a big eyeball on the back of her head.
Trump’s former half-assed, lying liar of all condescending half wit liars, MAGA press secretary and now governor of the dumbest state in the nation, Arkansas, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, ran against a rocket scientist, Chris Jones, and won. Within hours of being sworn in she signed an executive order banning the term “Latinx” from official use in the state government.
QAnon insurrectionist Republican Congressman Andy Biggs has called for Jill Biden to be investigated.
Newly independented Kyrsten Sinema wants to be the new independent John McCain in drag but she’s not pulling it off. There is no way John McCain would have showed up to the State of the Union dressed as Big Bird.
They’re banning books again in parts of the country where people don’t even read. Everything must go except the Republican Jesus Bible, Mein Kampf, and the GOP bestseller, Fascism for Dummies.
“Holy fucking shit, if German school kids can handle Anne Frank’s Diary, American school kids can handle To Kill A Mockingbird. Enough with the book-banning, you fucking troglodytes.” — Jeff Tiedrich
Maine’s New GOP House Minority Leader was once convicted of throwing poop at people. State Republican Representative Billy Bob Faulkingham threw a bucket of human shit at some people in 2003, screaming “fuck you!” while flipping them off. His official campaign photo is of him clutching a book, the Bible, not a bucket.
All living presidents and vice presidents have been asked by the National Archives to go through their records to see if they have any classified documents.
To no one’s surprise, Nikki Haley has announced that she’s running for president. We know this because her lips are still orange from kissing Trump’s butt for 6 years. She’s a first generation Indian but she is going to try and pass herself off as a pseudo Christian white male misogynist so she can win. Her slogan is, “I won’t be bullied by anybody” except Trump.
People have gotten used to all of the news that keeps coming out about George Santos. They’re bored with him. They could find out that Herschel Walker is his father and they wouldn’t care which is really great for Santos because like Trump, he really needs this job. Congress is the only place he could get one now.
There’s another freshman Republican who got elected by lying about her identity. Anna Paulina Luna from Florida lied that she was Jewish, just like Santos did. Jews are en vogue in the GOP now? She claimed she was of Ashkenazi heritage and that her father was a “messianic Jew.” Not true. She’s 100% Catholic and her grandfather was in the Nazi army. She has also claimed that she is a Hispanic conservative who grew up poor, survived a home invasion, and her grandmother died of AIDS. This was all news to her middle class family and everybody that knew her 5 years ago. It’s OK, though. Republicans don’t mind. It’s anything goes in the GOP these days.
Because Trump’s super hero trading cards sold so well, he’s come up with a new grift — the Save America patriot checks. For $500 you can buy 50 checks with Trump’s face and black sharpie signature signature on them. Not to be believed, but here we are.
Republicans have made a joke out of US.
“This is the best season of CSPAN ever.” — Jon Stewart
