And Still He Tweets

Spike Dolomite
3 min readMay 2, 2020

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The government placed an order for 100,000 new body bags as Trump took credit for all of the people who haven’t died.

Poor families can’t afford funerals and Trump won’t let FEMA pay for them even though that’s one of the things that FEMA does.

Trump has new campaign swag — Trump branded MAGA masks.

Senators are on their way back to the capitol because Mitch the Bitch wants them to vote on conservative judges even though the capitol physician says it’s not a good idea because they don’t have the capacity to test all 100 senators.

Trump says there are plenty of tests for senators. Behold, a tweet! There is tremendous CoronaVirus testing capacity in Washington for the Senators returning to Capital Hill on Monday. Likewise the House, which should return but isn’t because of Crazy Nancy P. The 5 minute Abbott Test will be used. Please inform Dr. Brian P. Monahan. @MarkMeadows

Trump is blocking Dr. Fauci from testifying before Congress about Trump’s coronavirus response.

“We’re in the middle of a pandemic that’s killing 2,000 Americans a day and the White House is preventing the government’s top infectious disease expert from testifying to the House of Representatives” — Aaron Rupar

Trump’s new press secretary, former Fox boobie blonde Kayleigh McEnany, held her first press conference and told reporters that she wouldn’t lie to them and then spent the remainder of the briefing lying to them. Highlights of the briefing were the Trump administration will be using immigration as a bargaining tool over how much federal aid states should get, accusations of sexual misconduct against Trump have been answered “in the form of the vote of the American people,” and Mike Flynn can look forward to a pardon. She says she spends almost all her time with the president and that her job is to absorb his thinking. That must hurt.

3 coal mining companies have received $28 million in PPP as a favor from Trump. Powerful capitalists with connections to the administration are getting tons of cash from Trump even though this money is supposed to go to small businesses. $50 million has gone to the fossil fuel industry.

Major corporations are getting bailout money funded by taxes even though they don’t pay taxes. They’re not obligated to preserve jobs or limit executive pay with it either.

Trump is giving money away to corporations to make himself look good. He’s using other people’s money just like he always has.

“The stock market is NOT up because of earnings. The stock market is up because of extraordinary Fed action taking place to keep us from complete devastation” — Stephanie Ruhle

Jared Kushner’s little task force is being run like the Trump family business — little oversight and no transparency. Everybody on his little task force are people that Trump owes favors to. These guys now have power over vast amounts of tax payer money that won’t be going back to suffering tax payers.

4,193 workers at 115 meatpacking plants are infected with the coronavirus. 20 have died so far. Get to work. Trump wants his Big Macs.

The governor of Michigan’s approval rating is 18 points higher than Trump’s. In fact, every governor’s approval rating is higher than Trump’s — even the Republican ones.

Trump went to Camp David this weekend to “get out of the house.” The White House staff can put their masks back on now that he’s out of the house.

Americans have been stuck in their houses now for as long as 6 weeks.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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