At Your (Secret) Service

Spike Dolomite
3 min readJul 15, 2022

Trump’s Secret Service may soon end up being its own story. They erased their texts from January 5 and 6, 2021.

Some of the Secret Service got too close to Trump which was inappropriate and eroded professional boundaries. Were they star struck? Why? Because he was president or because he was rich and had his own TV show? This didn’t sit well with other agents who conducted themselves professionally at all times.

Some of them may have gone to the dark side and were part of the coup plot. Is that why Mike Pence refused to get in the car while hiding in the underground garage as rioters took over the Capitol, trying to find him so they could kill him?

Pence told the agent who asked him to go, “I trust you, Tim, but you’re not driving the car. If I get in that vehicle, you guys are taking off. I’m not getting in the car.”

Secret Service members Bobby Engel and Tony Onrato are keeping secrets for Trump. Why and what?

The Secret Service in prior administrations didn’t have as many opportunities to get cozy with the president. If the First Family vacationed, they didn’t “go with them.” Since Trump doesn’t have any real friends, he may have grown to see some of the Secret Service as friends just because they were with him all the time.

The Obamas averaged 133.3 protected trips per year. The Trumps averaged 1,625 per year. Most of those trips were to promote Trump’s businesses. He made $2 million off of the Secret Service alone at his properties. Travel was paid for too.

Trump visited his own properties so much that the government paid him even when he wasn’t there. The Secret Service had a cottage at his Bedminster Club in New Jersey that they stayed in at all times at the tune of $17,000 per month just in case he felt like golfing there at a moment’s notice. They paid rent in Trump Tower, too.

All of Trump’s golf clubs charged the Secret Service to rent his golf carts to follow him around while he golfed which was nearly every weekend.

Secret Service had to go to every MAGA rally. When Trump shut down the government they had to protect him without being paid. He put their lives in serious danger when he made them take him for a joy ride outside of Walter Reed Hospital when he was deathly ill with covid to wave to his demented fans.

More than 130 Secret Service officers (10% of the core security team) ended up getting covid because the safety protocols were loose or nonexistent, as per Trump’s orders.

Trump tried to choke one of the Secret Service agents who was driving the car on January 6 because he wouldn’t drive him to the Capitol.

Jared and Ivanka wouldn’t let the Secret Service protecting them use any of their 6 bathrooms in their house, so taxpayers had to pay $3,000 a month to a neighbor for agents to be able to pee at their house.

Trump’s kids have to pay for their own security protection now but not Trump. If the Senate had found him guilty after he was impeached, he would have lost his lifetime security detail.

Secret Service fun fact: The Secret Service carries the president’s blood with them at all times in case an emergency tranfusion is needed. Trump probably interfered with that protocol too because he wouldn’t want anyone to have his DNA. Not because he fears any of the baby mamas out there getting a hold of it so they can prove he’s their baby daddy and sue him, but because he never wants the Trump formula to get out so nobody else can clone him. He wants exclusive cloning rights so he can live and profit forever. Imagine that. Trump never dies but just keeps getting born again, over and over, like today’s crappy Christians. We’d never be rid of him. That would be hell on earth.

When Trump was in office he referred to the Secret Service as S.S. which nobody ever did because that’s what Hitler called his Nazis.

Trump’s first wife, Ivana said that Trump used to keep a copy of Hitler’s autobiography, “Mein Kampf (My New Order)” by his bedside.

Ivana died yesterday. Trump sent out a fundraising email announcing her death as soon as he found out.



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.