Baby Proof the House

Spike Dolomite
4 min readOct 16, 2023

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Judge Chutkan granted the gag order against Trump. She told his attorney, “Mr. Trump is a criminal defendant. He is facing four felony charges. He is under the supervision of the criminal justice system and he must comply with the conditions of release. He does not have the right to say and do exactly as he pleases.” She mentioned that his dangerous rhetoric has amounted in one serious threat against herself plus he targeted a law clerk in another case. She doesn’t care about it being bad timing for Trump. “This trial will not yield to the election cycle and we will not revisit the trial date.” The trial is still in March and Trump better keep his big fat mouth shut or else, the big baby.

Trump has been fundraising off of this. Yesterday he posted:

Tomorrow is a big day for Democracy. A Leaking, Crooked and Deranged Prosecutor, Jack Smith, who has a terrible record of failure, is asking a highly partisan Obama appointed Judge, Tanya Chutkan, who should recuse herself based on the horrible things she has said, to silence me, through the use of a powerful GAG ORDER, making it impossible for me to criticize those who are doing the silencing, namely Crooked Joe Biden, and his corrupt and weaponized DOJ & FBI. They want to take away my First Amendment rights, and my ability to both campaign and defend myself. In other words, they want to cheat and interfere in the 2024 Presidential Election. Nothing like this has ever happened in our Country before. It is strictly Banana Republic kind of “stuff.” These political Hacks and Thugs are destroying our Country. Let’s see what happens on Monday in Judge Chutkan’s courtroom. Will America survive, or not? I’ll be campaigning in the Great State of Iowa, where I am leading by 50 Points!!!

The House nominated Jim Jordan for Speaker. He’s been in Congress for 16 years and hasn’t passed a single bill. He has done nothing for his constituents but keeps getting elected because his district is so gerrymandered he can’t lose. The floor vote is tomorrow. At least 20 Republicans have said there is no way they’d vote for him so there is now way he can win. You can’t gerrymander Congress (yet).

Mike Rogers (the guy in the bad toupee that tried to punch Matt Gaetz during one of the many votes for Speaker the last time), who chairs the Armed Services Committee, told reporters after a closed door meeting that he wants Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries to tell Republicans what concessions they’ll have to make for Democrats to help them elect a speaker. Then he took it back after he was pressured into voting for Jordan.

Sean Hannity is pushing moderates to vote for Jim Jordan.

Republicans in the House are a bunch of babies.

Israel will attack Gaza by land, air, and sea any minute. It’s very hard to get reliable information on Israel v Hamas and Hezbollah — lots of misinformation and propaganda plus social media is flush with very emotional people who are devoted to one side — not enough straight news.

There is bipartisan support for Israel in the Senate but not in the House. It’s been 9 months of chaos and 2 weeks of paralysis due to the Republicans. America’s strongest ally in the Middle East is under attack and the Republicans in the House act as if there is no problem. They left for the weekend to relax and party without electing a Speaker after not voting for anything on the floor all week.

Democratic Congressman Jamie Raskin said, “Israel has now formed a government of right, left, and center; secular and religious; across all lines of partisan division and political ideology to defend the people and the land of Israel. And I wish we could do the same thing in the House.”

Republican extremists have debilitated the United States government in the midst of an unusually dangerous time. While President Biden and the Democrats are united in showing the world that democracy works better than authoritarianism, the Republicans are sending the message the democracy is a joke. Jim Jordan’s elevation would mean that the Republicans were successful in stopping the government from working. Their disdain for government is keeping it from functioning. If Jim Jordan is successful in getting enough votes to be Speaker the insurrection will have entered a new phase.

Keep an eye out for Dan Crenshaw. He’s the member in Congress who wears an eye patch after losing his eyeball during his third deployment in Afghanistan. The veteran is all in for the insurrectionist, Jim Jordan. He went on CNN and told Jake Tapper that Jim Jordan had become part of the solution, not the problem. Jake Tapper reminded him that he defied a congressional subpoena and tried to get Pence to overturn the electoral votes. Crenshaw was like, so what? Everybody does it. “If I held that grudge, I wouldn’t have friends in the GOP.”

Tubby the Tuba Tommy Tuberville, the dumb jock coach and Jim Jordan of the Senate posted: We stand with Israel. Democrats stand with Iran.

George Santos walked out of Tim Burchett’s office with a baby in his arms. When asked if it was his baby, he replied “not yet.” He got into a screaming match with a man named Shabd Singh, a Jewish American from Washington who is critical of Israeli policies. Santos yelled at him and called him “human scum!” over and over and accused him of being a “terrorist sympathizer.” He totally flipped out. He yelled at the Capitol Police that the guy had assaulted him with a baby in his arms. The next day he went on Steve Bannon’s show and retold the story. “This man tells me what about the babies in Palestine? Are you kidding me! I don’t care!”

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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