Bad Boys

Spike Dolomite
3 min readMay 26, 2023

“Trump has the charisma of a mortician.” — Donald Trump Jr.

Trump has got to be so pissed after his loser son, Junior, who cleaned himself up and did his nightly Instagram rant sober for a change, screwed up and said that “Trump” instead of “DeSantis” had the charisma of a mortician. Junior isn’t used to doing his Instagram show sober. He’s usually so high he looks like he’s going to need a mortician. Junior has been a bad boy.

Stewart Rhodes, the one eyed founder and leader of the Oath Keepers, was sentenced to 18 years in prison for seditious conspiracy charges for January 6. The judge told him, “You, sir, present an ongoing threat and a peril to this country, to the republic, and the very fabric of our democracy.” Another Oath Keeper, Kelly Meggs, got 12 years. How are these bad boys going to get on in prison without their props? They’re going to have to start a self help group for militia men in jail. Who are we now without all of our guns, body armour, survival kits, cool shades and accessories?

“Today’s sentences reflect the grave threat the actions of these defendants posed to our democratic institutions.” — Attorney General Merrick Garland

Richard “Bigo” Barnett, the bad boy who broke into Nancy Pelosi’s office and put his feet up on her desk during the attack on the Capitol, was sentenced to 54 months in prison.

The Republican led Texas House investigative committee has recommended impeaching Republican Attorney General Ken Paxton after years of scandal. This is mind blowing not just because no state legislature has ever impeached an attorney general, but because Texas Republicans are the most corrupt, heartless, immoral politicians in the country. He was indicted 8 years ago on several charges but has never faced trial. After he’s impeached he won’t have the power and connections to keep himself out of jail. The committee’s 20 articles of impeachment were a list of crimes. One was bribery in violation of Article 16 of the Texas Constitution after he employed a woman he was having an extramarital affair with. Paxton’s wife is in the legislature. She’s a state Senator and gets to vote on his fate. She’s as bad as any boy.

Texas House Speaker, Dade Phelan, presided over a legislative session shit faced drunk. Ken Paxton called for his resignation. How bad do you have to be for Ken Paxton to want you fired?

Marjorie Taylor Greene filed articles of impeachment against Joe Biden, DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, FBI Director Chris Wray, AG Merrick Garland, and DC US Attorney Matthew Graves.

Last year, Trump’s Mar-a-Lago staff held a dress rehearsal where they hid documents in case the FBI showed up. A member of his staff is a snitch. Now Trump can’t say he was naïve. Good boy!

Lauren Boebert’s teenaged son called 911 on his dad because he was beating him up. Lauren Boebert got on the phone and told the dispatcher her boy was fine. He’s not fine. There are guns all over their house.

Republican congressman from Wisconsin, Glenn Grothman, stood on the House floor and complained that Biden wasn’t nominating enough straight “white guys” as judges.

Play that funky music, white boy.

The Republicans took off early for the Memorial Day weekend, blowing off the debt ceiling because their plan all along has been to blow it up.

The chair of the all boys club, Republican National Committee, Ronna McDaniel, is excited about the country going into default. She said that would “bode very well for the Republican field” in 2024.

The average cost of regular gasoline is $3.57 a gallon, the average price for a dozen eggs is back under $2, and Biden has brought unemployment down from 6.3% to 3.4%. That’s not news? Oh boy.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.