Ladies First

Spike Dolomite
4 min readMay 15, 2019


Alabama just passed a bill making women property of the state. It forces 11 year old girls who are impregnated by their creepy drunk fathers to have a baby sibling by him. It forces women who have been beaten, raped, impregnated and left for dead to carry the criminal’s baby. It forces disabled adult women who are impregnated by a care giver to give birth. It forces a gleeful expectant mother to die a miserable death if a fertilized egg never makes it out of the Fallopian tube. It forces other gleeful mothers who learn that the fetus they are carrying without a brain is going to be their life, 24/7 for however long somebody can live outside the womb without a brain. Once the governor signs this, abortion will be illegal in the state of Alabama. Women can go to jail for up to 99 years (nothing happens to the man — this isn’t a man hating law. Alabama doesn’t hate men.)

Alabama! The state where it’s legal to marry your first cousin, where women have less rights than bears (it’s illegal to wrestle a bear in Alabama, Section 13A-12–5, ) where the Lord’s day is protected by law so you can’t play cards, shoot guns, or race cars on Sunday or you can be fined up to $100 and be sentenced to hard labor for up to 3 months (Section 13A-12–1,) and where a guy like Roy Moore can become a judge and run for Senate. You can’t pick your nose and flick your booger into the wind or wear a fake mustache to church in Alabama either. It’s just not right.

Speaking of God’s country, neighboring Tennessee just convicted a pastor, David Richards, for repeatedly raping his 14 year old daughter for 4 years. The prosecutor recommended 72 years in prison. The judge only gave him 12 because he was a good Christian. If his teenaged daughter got pregnant and lived in Alabama, she would go to jail for the rest of her life, longer than if she disemboweled him with a knife while he was on top of her, raping her.

Speaking of creepy weirdo Christian pastors, Steven L. Anderson, the sicko who founded his own baptist church and prayed for Obama’s death then celebrated the Orlando gay club massacre, isn’t welcome in Ireland. They don’t want his brand of Christianity in their country.

Trump Tower is cursed. Residents don’t want to be associated with it so they’re selling their condos at a loss. Businesses are vacating the building because the building is bad for business.

Elizabeth Warren has turned down an offer to hold a Fox News town hall. Fox is cursed. She wants no part of them. She says the so called news channel is a hate for profit racket that provides cover for the very thing she’s campaigning against: “corruption that’s rotting our government and hollowing out our middle class.”

Attorney General Bill Barr has appointed a US attorney to look into whether or not the Mueller investigation was even legal. He’s putting on a show for Trump’s base and buying time. If that doesn’t work, Trump will start a war with Iran.

The White House has declared Melania to be “the most important and accomplished First Lady in American history.”

20 Democrats are going to take to the House floor for 12 hours to read the Mueller Report aloud.

Trump has been taking credit for the economy and jobs numbers ever since the inauguration.

Trump is taking credit for the Red Sox winning since visiting the White House.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Democrat Bill Clinton left office with the largest budget surplus in history and a projection of a 10 year debt pay off. Republican Bush the Second burned right through it and took the country into a recession so deep that it would have turned in to a depression if Democrat Obama hadn’t come along to save it. He brought the deficit down and then Republican Trump raised it back up to what could be the largest deficit in history yet people still believe that the Republicans are the fiscally conservative party.

“You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat” — Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

You’ve got to be a real Republican if you think that Melania Ho has more class than Jackie O.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.