Baking with the Klan

The guy who torched Fox’s Christmas tree was a mentally ill homeless man who literally exists on the street outside the Fox News bubble, wandering aimlessly outside, sustained by Fox’s waste. “Run, run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!” We all know how that tall tale ended. The animated kookie jumps out of the oven and runs for his life but gets out foxed by a fox who eats him. Fox wants to eat him. They want to throw the good book at him. The one they re-wrote.

Dingbat leggy blonde #45, Ainsley Earhardt, said this of their charred fake tree: “It’s a tree that unites us. It brings us together. It’s about the Christmas spirit. It is about the holiday season. It’s about Jesus. It’s about Hanukkah. It is about everything that we stand for as a country.” Um, Ainsley, Christmas isn’t about Hanukkah, and a tree really isn’t supposed to be about Christmas for Christians. The tree belongs to pagans, shoppers, and folksy sexist tales like the Ginger Bed Fan. Here, have a cookie and stop talking, sweet cheeks.

Republicans are more upset about Fox’s Christmas tree than children getting blown away by other children at school. “Run, run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m a Republican’s son!”

Mark Meadows blew off testifying before the Select Committee. Now the committee is moving ahead with putting him in contempt of Congress. He’s not worried. Trump has his back, right? Right? I’m not dumb enough to write a book about Trump and piss him off, right? Right? Am I the Cringer Dead Man? I’m scared.

Ali Alexander is meeting behind closed doors with the Select Committee right now. He’s already turned over all sorts of documents that he’s sure will exonerate him and Trump. He doesn’t know what a dolt he is. A brown skinned skin head with a full head of hair? Come on now, token minority man. They’re gonna catch you. They’re gonna eat you alive. You’re the Fringer Stead Plan.

Roger Stone is going to plead the fifth. “Run, run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m Trump’s right hand man!”

Jet settin Texas MAGA realtor Jenna Ryan posted a video of herself weighing in at 170 pounds expecting to get down to her ideal weight of 140 after serving 2 months in jail. She says that since she can’t eat chips and drink like she usually does she’s going to take advantage of the time off and work out and do yoga every day. Since the food is so bad she expects there will be options like protein shakes and bars — a healthy alternative for prisoners who don’t really belong there and are just passing through. It’ll be like a retreat! Um, there’s no room service in jail and you won’t be getting your own private room, Jenna. No pedicures either. You’re going to be scared shitless. Run, run, as fast as you can, run in place in your cell and then do it again. Then cry, cry, as much as you can, but nobody will hear you because social media is for free people.

Everybody who has aligned themselves with Trump is getting rolled out, cut up and thrown in the oven. To get out, they’ll plead the fifth and make a run for it. They won’t get far because they’re all as cocky as Trump. They’ll antagonize their avengers with, “Try and take a bite of this” but when they get bitten they’ll scream and cry, “Don’t eat me!” The moral of the story is stay the hell away from the MAGA Klan so you don’t get eaten by Fox and go to jail.

Stacey Abrams is running for governor of Georgia. Beto O’Rourke is running for governor of Texas. “Run, run, as hard as you can. Don’t let them beat you, you’re part of the save our democracy plan!”

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Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.