Battalion of Buffoons

Spike Dolomite
4 min readOct 13, 2022

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Trump had an employee move boxes filled with classified documents in May after he got the subpoena at Mar-a-Lago. It’s on camera. This is evidence that could send Trump to jail for 20 years.

Christina Bobb, the lawyer who fraudulently signed off on returning all the documents, is cooperating with the feds. She claimed that Trump’s other lawyer, Evan Corcoran, made her do it.

Trump told another lawyer, Alex Cannon, to lie to the National Archives about him having classified documents. Trump packed the boxes himself.

Trump never gave his love letters from Kim Jong-un to the National Archives.

Trump wanted to extort the National Archives by demanding that they give him sensitive documents related to the investigation into Russian interference in the 2020 election in exchange for top secret documents he stole.

A judge ruled that Trump has to sit for a deposition in the E. Jean Carroll rape case.

This is the second week of the Oath Keepers trial. The defense attorneys are using the Charles Manson defense. “Our clients had no part” in the violence of January 6. Like Manson, they sent everybody else out to do the violence and stayed behind. It’s a pretty crappy defense. Leader Stewart Rhodes is on tape saying his only regret was that they didn’t bring rifles to the Capitol. He planned on using the Insurrection Act as legal cover whether Trump invoked it or not. They brought hand grenades and had a second armed attack planned for Biden’s inauguration.

Oath Keepers fun fact: Founder Stewart Rhodes is a Yale trained lawyer and former staffer for Ron Paul.

Oath Keepers are more dangerous than the other militia groups because they recruit military and law enforcement members which gives them more legitimacy and extra resources. New recruits add military and cop experience. They got more attention and respect after Trump gave them access to the mainstream. Prior to that they were scary kooks that got ignored.

Former Oath Keeper, John Zimmerman, testified that Stewart Rhodes told him that he had been in contact with a Secret Service agent before and during the insurrection. Another former member, Terry Cummings, testified that on the day of the insurrection he dropped his weapon off at a hotel before going into DC. “I had not seen that many weapons in one location since I was in the military.”

Proud Boy Jeremy Bertino pleaded guilty to seditious conspiracy for his role in the insurrection. He’s the first Proud Boy to cooperate fully with the DOJ which is really bad news for Roger Stone, Enrique Tarrio, and Alex Jones. In exchange, the government will seek leniency at sentencing and put him in a witness protection program.

Alex Jones has to pay $965 million plus legal fees to Sandy Hook victims in Connecticut on top of the $50 million he already has to pay in Texas. If he tries to hide his money to get out of paying, he will face criminal charges. He didn’t show up in court to hear the jury’s decision. He was filming his show and fundraising off of being a victim instead.

The Treasury Department is investigating Ron DeSantis’ misuse of COVID funds to sponsor a human trafficking expedition.

A MAGA in Minnesota, Denis Molla, who vandalized his own property and made it look like Antifa did it in retaliation for him putting up a Trump flag got caught and pleaded guilty to wire fraud. He ripped off his insurance company and individuals who felt sorry for him because they believed him when he said that liberals torched his camper and spray painted his garage. He received more than $78,000 from a GoFundMe campaign and fraudulent insurance claims. He could face up to 4 years in prison.

Also in Michigan, a man who plotted with others to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer in 2020, Kaleb Franks, because he didn’t want to be told what to do about COVID has been sentenced to 4 years in prison after pleading guilty. He asked the judge to let him out of jail because he was afraid of catching COVID. Two others, Adam Fox and Barry Croft, were convicted in August and are facing life in prison.

The Secret Service dumped 1.5 million communications on the Select Committee before today’s hearing at 1 p.m. because they’re pissed off that they’re being investigated. First they said that communications were missing and then they magically reappeared a day before the committee was scheduled to let the public know what they found out about the Secret Service.

Time will tell if the media will break away from Kanye West to cover the Select Committee’s hearing about the Secret Service being in on an attempted coup.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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