Behind Closed Doors

Spike Dolomite
4 min readOct 15, 2019

Fiona Hill testified in front of Congress behind closed doors for 10 hours and said that Rudy Giuliani ran a shadow foreign policy in Ukraine that circumvented US officials and diplomats in order to personally benefit Trump. Trump’s third national security advisor, John Bolton, suggested she tell National Security Council lawyer John Eisenberg about what she knew. She did and met with him twice. Then she decided to tell Congress. Matt Gaetz tried to crash the hearing to intimidate Fiona and take information back to Trump but he got kicked out. Gym Jordan is outraged!

When John Bolton got wind of what Rudy was up to behind closed doors he said Rudy was a hand grenade that was going to blow everybody up and that there was no way he was about to take any of the drugs that Rudy was taking and then he got the hell out of there.

Rudy got mad at Bolton for calling him a hand grenade so he came up with a really clever comeback. Oh ya? Well Bolton is an atomic bomb!

Shut the door, Rudy.

“If John fucking Bolton saves the country, I need someone to agree to put me down gently.” — Some guy on Twitter

Rudy Giuliani was paid $500,000 by the Ukrainian-American businessman that got busted last week at the airport on his way to escape testifying before Congress.

While Rudy continues to scheme behind closed doors, rat finks are turning on each other and starting to scream like their fingers got smashed in the door. Unlike Michael Cohen and Rudy, they can’t afford big shot attorneys to defend them. They’re going to talk.

The chaos continues in Syria. Trump announced new sanctions on Turkey and raised tariffs on steel to 50%. The Kurds have turned to the Russians for help since the US abandoned them, US troops are surrounded and they’re trying to get out but they don’t know which way to go because their commander in chief is a lunatic tweeting on the toilet behind closed doors and has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. 50 tactical nuclear weapons are being held hostage at Incirlik Air Base in Turkey.

In less than a week, all that was achieved and sacrificed in the battle against ISIS has come undone all because of one man — Trump.

Liz Cheney is blaming the Democrats for the Turks invading Syria. She says none of this would be happening if they weren’t trying to impeach Trump. Behind closed doors she cries, “What do we do? What do we do?”

Trump says he’s energized by the chaos. He lives for this shit. The door is always open to chaos in Trumpland.

Kenn Starr says that Trump isn’t as bad as Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton got a blow job by someone other than his wife behind closed doors and lied about it. NOBODY has ever done that before.

Now that Shep Smith is out of the way over at Fox, Trump is going after Chris Wallace. He said that his dad, 60 Minutes anchor Mike Wallace, was better than him. To that Chris replied, “One of us has a daddy problem, and it’s not me.”

Well shut the front door!

The US Dept of State website had a photo of the Secretary of State at a podium, addressing a Christian audience with the caption, “Being a Christian Leader.” Mike Pompeo sanctioned Christianity as the state religion by doing that. He thinks he’s got a front row seat for the rapture because he too is using his government status to advance his personal interests. He is going to the green room in Heaven one fucking way or the other. He plans on living in eternity with the Who’s Whos of Heaven.

Mike Pompeo was on the infamous call to Ukraine. The only rapture Mike Pompeo will ever get is a blow job behind closed doors in prison. The second coming won’t be with Jesus.

Ooooh! Shut the front door!

Adam Schiff says they’ve entered the top secret grand jury phase of the Investigation where a lot of testimony will happen behind closed doors and out of public view so Trump can’t stonewall them. That’s Trump’s only strategy at this point — block every single punch and delay, delay, delay.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Just us.

Just us who?

Justice mother fucker. Come out with your tiny hands up.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.