Blue Bye You

Spike Dolomite
4 min readNov 8, 2017

Republicans are singing the blues after getting their asses royally kicked in a number of state elections. A blue wave has crashed over us and it’s glorious! All is not lost! Secularists are singing, “Hallelujah,” political junkies who feared low voter turnout because of Donna Brazile and her tell all book are breathing a sigh of relief, real Americans are high fiveing each other, and Republicans are yelling “Code blue!”

A year ago today America took to its bed and cried all night, all day, and into the year. America has stopped crying because voters turned out in large numbers to save the Republic. A blue wave has washed over the country. Democrats won, bigly.

People of color, LGBTQs, women, old and young. We’re all there! Voters chose 2 new Democratic governors, 2 black lieutenant governors, 2 transgender officials, a Black Lives Matter lawyer for district attorney, a first ever black female mayor, a turbaned Sikh, and a socialist. Maine voted to expand Medicaid. Seattle elected its first lesbian mayor — the first woman mayor since the 1920s.

In Virginia alone, voters elected the first transgender delegate in the country, the first out-lesbian delegate in the state, the first Asian American woman delegate in the state, the first two Latina delegates in the state, and the first Democratic Socialist candidate in the state.

Ralph Northam beat Ed Gillespie’s butt because love trumps hate. Virginia didn’t want Trump for governor. Ralph won by 9 points. One county went for him by 20 points! Dems picked up 14 seats in the state legislature and 4 are still being counted. Best of all, a 36 year incumbent and self-proclaimed homophobe, Bob Marshall, the guy who authored a bill to keep transgenders from using public bathrooms, got his pasty, shriveled up old, uptight, white ass handed to him by Danica Roem, who happens to be transgender.

Virginia is tangled up in blue!

30 year old Democrat Chris Hurst, a former TV news anchor whose girlfriend, also a news anchor, was murdered on live TV while doing her job in 2015, won his race for Virginia’s House of Delegates on a platform to reduce gun violence.

Democrat Wilmot Collins won the mayoral race in Helena, Montana, and became the first black mayor in the history of Montana.

3 Dems won in Oklahoma. OKLAHOMA.

Dems picked up more seats on the left coast, creating a blue wall in the west.

True blue Bill de Blasio sailed to victory to win a second term as mayor of New York City.

Andrea Jenkins is black AND transgender and was elected to Minneapolis city council.

The haters lost in New Jersey. Chris Christie’s lieutenant governor lost to Democrat Phil Murphy. Two people of color, Jerry Shi and Falguni Patel, won for school board after a flier was sent to voters that read, “Make our School Board Great Again! DEPORT! Stop Jerry Shi and Falguni Patel. The Chinese and Indians are Taking Over Our Town! Chinese School! Indian School! Cricket Fields! Enough is Enough!”

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Ed Gillespie was a moderate Republican until he decided to pretend to be a Trump Republican for his run for governor because he thought he could win the hate vote. Turns out Virginia didn’t want a horrible bigoted, racist, hate monger.

Blue balls Republicans are jumping ship. They’re not running for re-election.

Trump has not been invited to the global climate change summit because he wants to turn our blue planet brown.

Syria has just joined the Paris climate deal. The United States is the only country left that doesn’t agree with the deal to save the planet.

Devil with the blue dress on, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya, says Trump Jr. offered her a deal — give us dirt on Hillary and we’ll change U.S. law if we win.

Paul Ryan said people on the secular left don’t understand faith because they’re not faithful. Liberals are knocking thoughts and prayers, he says. Prayer works, he says. Then he blamed secularist lefties for the polarization of the country. He can’t possibly be responsible for the polarization of the country because he prays! He prays! To the right God! You blue it, Paul. Stick to writing laws. Pray on your own time.

Trump attempted a surprise visit to the world’s most dangerous border, the DMZ, to stick his tongue out at Rocket Man but they had to turn back because of fog. It is not known yet if it was real fog or fake fog, but there sure were a lot of protesters who turned out in South Korea to boo Trump. It could have been fog machines. After his little stunt, he made a speech where he threatened North Korea, promoted his golf courses, and criticized the United States.

Obamacare signups are setting new records despite Trump trying to sabotage it by yanking funding to publicize it and choking federal subsidies, forcing insurance companies to raise their premiums in hopes that people would blame Obama.

The dumbest Trump, Donald Jr, tweeted to get out and vote for Gillespie today. Hey Junior! The election was yesterday. He ate breakfast in a diner yesterday. A crowd of people stood outside and booed him until he left.

Trump and his crime family have the Folsom prison blues. Sing it, suckers.



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.