Day 1 of Trump’s First Criminal Trial

Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 15, 2024

At long last, Trump is finally sitting in court to face 34 felony counts in an election interference case for falsifying business records to get rid of a couple of sex scandal stories 8 years ago when he was running for president the first time. The media has given the case a salacious name. They’re calling it the “hush money” trial to titillate readers and viewers to click their g-spot (“g” as in grasping for readers and viewers). G is also for “grab ’em by the pussy.” Judge Mershon says the prosecution can’t use the Access Hollywood tape in the trial but they can use the transcript so grab him by the pussy, Alvin Bragg!

The judge told Trump that if he doesn’t show up for court every day there will be a warrant put out for his arrest.

Trump looks terrible. He understands how serious this is as evidenced by him not putting Alina Habba out front at the counsel table. Having a hot female attorney who says and does whatever Trump tells her to in order to grab headlines isn’t a good idea if the media is focused on a porn star and Playmate of the Month plus he’s in really big trouble and knows it so he needs serious lawyers out there in front.

Jury selection begins today. Getting impartial jurors in New York City will be a challenge because the whole city hates him. It can be done, though, as evidenced by the two civil trials that Trump just went through with the E. Jean Carroll and the Trump Organization tax fraud cases. The state won’t have to weed out many MAGAs because there aren’t many in New York. New Yorkers have been putting up with his shit for 40 years. They know what a fraud he is. They cried out, “We told you so!” when the country learned what a lying phony he was. They’d known for decades. They’ve been laughing at his ostentatious gaudy ass since the 80s. After he became president they stopped laughing at him. Remember when he withheld masks and ventilators from New York out of vengeance while bodies piled up from COVID? Everybody knows somebody who died from the Trump Plague. They’ll never forget……

The jury will be anonymous because Trump will put them in danger if they aren’t. The trial should be 6–8 weeks. There are no cameras allowed in the very small court room so Trump can’t spin and perform for the cameras. There is a jail cell right outside the courtroom so if he makes a scene, the judge will yank him out of his chair and stick him in that cell so the trial can go on. There will be no court on Wednesdays.

Trump will be able to campaign for president on Wednesdays, evenings, and weekends. For the first time in history, a former president is facing criminal charges while running for president a third time. The media should be reporting that but they won’t. They will try and seduce readers and advertisers with the porn star and Playboy model.

Speaker Mike Johnson went to Mar-a-Lago on Friday to get his orders. Trump says they met to talk about “election integrity” which is so 2020. They did a press conference afterwards and MAGA Mike made another faux pas for the history books when he pointed at Trump when he said “hardened criminal.”

The new RNC, under the direction of Trump’s daughter in law, Lara Trump, made a robo call that said Democrats committed massive fraud in the 2020 election by not accepting photo IDs to vote, letting dead people and illegals vote, using unsecured ballot boxes, and organizing mass mail-in ballots. They were careful how they worded it so they don’t get charged with wire fraud but their message is clear — Trump won in 2020.

Employees who are reapplying for their jobs at the RNC won’t be rehired unless they say that that Trump won in 2020.

At Trump’s MAGA rally over the weekend the crowd chanted “Genocide Joe.” The far right and the far left are on the same team now.

Trump’s campaign made a strategic stop at a Chick-fil-A where he was rushed by a Black woman who hugged him, getting right past the Secret Service who didn’t even flinch. The scene was staged for the cameras which isn’t anything new in politics except she wasn’t the manager. She’s a paid political consultant that has worked with Charlie Kirk and Candace Owens. To make it more realistic the Secret Service should of at least acted surprised that somebody from the crowd rushed past them. Their job is supposed to be stopping that kind of thing from happening. Trump didn’t act scared at all which was a dead giveaway. That and he let a Black woman touch him.



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.