Dicktators, Democrats, Diplomas and Doh!

Spike Dolomite
4 min readJun 27, 2019


Trump told Christians at the Faith and Freedom Coalition Conference, “We’re saying Merry Christmas again.” Um, you already said that plus it’s June. Doh!

Jerry Falwell Jr’s Christian college, Liberty University, just laid off a dozen faculty because of low enrollment. Could be a sign that the demand for institutional hate and hypocrisy is waning. More Democrats mean fewer of these types of diplomas so vote vote vote vote VOTE.

The House Oversight Committee has voted to issue a subpoena to force Kellyanne Conway to appear before the panel to face consequences for her big mouth. Doh!

The day after Dana Loesch and NRA TV went down, Chris Cox, the #2 guy at the NRA, resigned. He’s been there for 20 years. Doh doh doh doh!!!!!!

Trump’s new press secretary has a little drinking problem. No wonder she took the job. Nobody else would hire her. She has been arrested a couple of times for DUI. This ought to be good. People who jones for alcohol during the day tend to have very unpleasant personalities. They’re usually pretty irritable and arrogant, a la Congressman Matt Gaetz. Plus they lie a lot. Doh!

Trump says he’s sticking with Mike Pence as his running mate for 2020 BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WOULD TAKE THE JOB. Doh!

In Talabama, a 27 year old pregnant woman was shot in the stomach and charged for manslaughter.

A young father and his toddler washed up on the shore of the Rio Grande. His little girl was inside his t-shirt. They had gone to the US consulate to seek asylum but were told that there was no room at the inn so they tried to cross the river. The daddy took his daughter across and when he turned back to get his young wife, the little girl jumped in the river after him. He swam to catch her, put her in his t-shirt so she wouldn’t get pulled away by the current and they both drowned.

Only 30 people a week are being processed at the center that turned the daddy and his young family away. Trump is purposely holding applications up to create a build up. 1,700 people are waiting.

Elizabeth Warren went to the Homestead detention center in Florida. There are 2,300 kids in there. She called it a private prison for children. Trump’s former Chief of Staff, John Kelly, is profiting from it.

Trump’s pick for acting ICE director is a flaming racist. He said he can tell which migrant children will become gang members by looking into their eyes.

The Taliban gives its prisoners toothpaste.

Trump is at the G20 in Japan right now and who does he have with him, representing the US? Ivanka, Jared, Mick Mulvaney, Wilbur Ross, Mike Pompeo, Steve Mnuchin, Bob Lighthizer, John Bolton, Dan Scavino, Peter Navarro. MOBSTERS! Wilbur is drooling (not at Ivanka…he fell asleep again at the table because he’s 200 fucking years old.) Trump says he’s going to meet with Putin while he’s there and it’s none of our damn business what they are going to talk about. Japan says they won’t mention global warming during the summit because Trump won’t like it.

“Something to always remember: Trump & Putin have built their entire careers on the mobster model, the backbone of which is blackmail.” — Puesto Loco

Duncan Hunter, the indicted Republican congressman from San Diego, says he can’t get a fair trial because too many people voted for Hillary Clinton in his area.

The Supreme Court said yes to gerry mandering and no to the citizenship question on the Census 2020 this morning.

The Democrats had their first debate last night and everybody talked in facts, policy, plans, and justice. Nobody called anybody else names or ranted about stuff that only dumb dumb haters care about. Trump tweeted “BORING!” as the moderator was describing the deaths at the border. After it was over, Lindsey Graham tweeted: After tonight’s #DemocraticDebate…….that whole Trump 3rd term thing is looking better and better.

Paul Manafort showed up in court today in Manhattan to be arraigned on state charges for a 16-count indictment. He looked like shit, but at least he gets toothpaste and soap.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.