Don’t Have A Cow

Spike Dolomite
4 min readMar 19, 2019

Devin Nunes is suing the Twitter parody accounts Devin Nunes’ Mom and Devin Nunes’ cow.

Devin Nunes’ Mom and Devin Nunes’ cow just got a gazillion new followers and new Devin Nunes parody accounts have been popping up all morning. Life is good.

Trump is having a mental breakdown in front of the world and nobody is doing anything about it. Incessant rambling about John McCain who has been dead for 7 months, Saturday Night Live reruns, Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton (dude — it’s been 2 ½ years. Get over it.) Is he shuffling the halls of the White House mumbling, “No collusion! No collusion! The cow jumped over the moon! THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON!”

Call 911!

Conservative Bill Kristol says Trump is unstable and lacks the psychological state to be trusted as president.

House and Senate leaders have requested that the FBI, US intelligence agencies and the Secret Service open criminal and counterintelligence investigations into Cindy Yang, the founder of the massage parlors that just got busted for sex trafficking and are linked to Trump and the filthy rotten cow poke bastard Republicans.

Is this all a game to Kellyanne Conway or is she the White House’s #1 leaker? Bob Mueller nor any of the committees in Congress have questioned her even though she was Trump’s campaign manager when he “won” the election. Her husband, George Conway, calls Trump out all the time on Twitter and Trump never punches back. Trump always punches back. Kellyanne and George don’t appear to be getting divorced any time soon even though he can’t stand Trump and she cowtows to him and defends him nonstop.

We’re being trumped.

In Maine, Republican Richard Pickett said in a debate about making feminine hygiene products available to female inmates in jail that such a rule might make the prison system seem too much like a country club. Women are cattle.

Melania is out there promoting Be Best. The 3 pillars are well being, online safety and opioid abuse. What the hell is she talking about? No one really knows but you can take her picture.

For the third year in a row, Trump’s budget plan eliminates arts, public TV and library funding because an educated citizenry is a threat to The Party.

Trump wants to remind everyone that he donates his $400K presidential salary. Big deal. It would take 250 years of his salary to equal the amount of tax payer money we’ve spent on his golf trips alone. Trump is a cash cow.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Republican Brian Ellis has resigned from the General Assembly in Pennsylvania after it came out that he had sex with a woman in late 2015 while she was incapacitated and without her consent. His official state website says he’s a native of Butler County and committed to strengthening the state’s economy and protecting Butler County’s traditional values in the state Capitol. He has a wife and 3 sons and attends a Catholic church. His accuser said she met him in a bar and had 2 drinks. The next she thing she knew she woke up naked in his bed and in a lot of pain. Bill Cosby went to jail for this.

Alexa, give me a 4 letter word for “having sex with an incapacitated woman against her will.”

The State Department won’t tell the public what the religious nut Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told the faith based media during a private briefing. No transcript will be released. Which faith? State Department won’t say. Holy cow.

The only wall America needs is between church and state.

Mitch McConnell thinks expanding voting rights is “half baked socialism.”

Republicans are throwing the word “socialism” around a lot lately. It’s not a bad word to those who are stuck with a dying planet, cow tied to student loan debt for life, unable to buy health insurance, and can’t afford to move out of their parents’ house.

Mitch McConnell can rant and rave about socialism ’til the cows come home. There are more and more people who love the arts, listen to NPR and go to the library than there are cows.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.