Don’t You Hate it When

Spike Dolomite
4 min readNov 5, 2019


Trump hosted the World Series champions, the Washington Nationals, at the White House. The team’s catcher, Kurt Suzuki, put Trump’s MAGA hat on and raised his hands up in triumph on the balcony like Eva Peron and Trump came up behind him and grabbed his boobs much like he would a female employee, beauty contestant, complete stranger, or Eva Peron. It was all captured on TV, just like the reality TV president likes it. Don’t you hate it when he likes it?

After he felt Kurt Suzuki up he flew to Kentucky to do a MAGA rally and endorse their shitty governor who wants to win re-election today. Trump licking his face should seal the deal. Kentucky Senators Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell were there. Trump tried to hold Moscow Mitch’s hand on stage and Rand Paul, wearing a stupid sweater vest, bashed Hunter Biden for using his family connections to make money. Rand is a member of Congress whose father was a member of Congress and he’s licking the face of spoiled brad loser who wouldn’t have a dime were it not for his father’s dimes, nor would his own kids. The whole scene was too ridiculous to believe. A creepy Libertarian in a stupid sweater vest licking the face of the world’s dumbest criminal in front of a crowd of weirdos and paid seat fillers, with a bunch of white people in matching white shirts behind them. Don’t you hate it when white people lick each other?

The idiot MAGAs were given t-shirts to wear for the cameras that read, “Read the transcript!” If they had actually read the transcript they’d know that it totally implicates idiot Trump in attempted extortion, but they didn’t read the transcripts so they stood there with stupid grins and spit on their faces after being licked by Trump. Trump knew that by giving them a free t-shirt and putting them on TV they would believe that they had actually read the transcript. Don’t you hate it when MAGAs say, “read?”

In the transcript Ambassador Maria Yovanovitch, was told to watch her back. She was also told that she should tweet out support or praise for Trump if she wanted to save her job. When she asked Mike Pompeo what the hell was going on he said he didn’t know and that he’d have to call Sean Hannity to find out. He really said that. That’s not satire. The Secretary of State said he’d have to call Fox News to find out why a US ambassador was getting fired. Don’t you hate it when something happens in Trump’s fiefdom that is too bizarre to be believed so of course it has to be satire and then you find it’s not and you still can’t believe it?

Sean Hannity says that Joe Biden is at the top of a crime family that includes Nancy Pelosi and CNN. Don’t you hate fucking Sean Hannity?

Roger Stone’s trial starts today. He is charged with lying to Congress, trying to obstruct a congressional inquiry, and intimidating a witness. If found guilty, he could go to jail for quite awhile. He says he will take the stand in his own defense. That’s a really bad idea so everybody clear your calendars. You would hate to miss this.

Trump knocked the governor of California, Gavin Newsom, by telling the press “The governor doesn’t know………he’s like a child………he doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Don’t you hate it when Trump does the Nazi thing and accuses the other side of doing exactly what he’s doing?

Lev Parnas, one of Rudy’s guys who was arrested after trying to flee the country to escape testifying before Congress, has flipped because Trump pissed him off after telling the press that he didn’t know him. He knows him. He’s going to wipe Trump’s spit off his face and talk. Don’t you hate it when — no wait. This is good.

Republicans are considering moving Gym Jordan to the House Intelligence Committee so he can be privy to top secret information and then go run and tell the Republicans so they can get a head start on their bullshit spin and sabotage. Don’t you hate Republicans?

Trump has begun the process of formally withdrawing from the Paris Agreement with the United Nations. The world hates us.

Speaking of hate — a MAGA confronted a Peruvian immigrant, a US citizen, in Milwaukee on the street, calling him an “illegal” and yelling, “You came here to invade…..go back to your country!” before throwing acid in his face, and a white supremacist was arrested for plotting to blow up a synagogue in Colorado.

Hate to break it to you, but hate is in the lead.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.