Fat Nixon

Spike Dolomite
5 min readAug 9, 2023

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Today is August 9, the 49th anniversary of Nixon giving his infamous double peace sign, then turning his back on the country to enter Marine One so he could fly off into obscurity. He had just submitted a signed letter of resignation to Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, making him the only US president to ever resign from office. Vice President Gerald Ford became president and pardoned him. If he hadn’t done that Trump may not have ever happened. That’s why he needs to be prosecuted. We’ve got to set a precedent that presidents can’t be criminals who crime in office.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary that the FBI got a search warrant and searched Mar-a-Lago for stolen classified documents. It was also the 48th anniversary of Nixon’s speech saying he was resigning.

The Presidential Records Act passed after Nixon tried to take documents by claiming they were personal, just like Trump did. The Presidential Records Act refers to records that the president created while in office. They must be left with the National Archives if they were created in the capacity as president. The Presidential Records Act was passed specifically so former presidents could NOT claim administration records were personal. Presidents have to turn everything over to the National Archives that was created while they were in office. They can’t steal or destroy them. Trump did both. He keeps claiming that everything in the boxes he took is protected by the Presidential Records Act. Not so. He doesn’t know what the act means but that doesn’t stop him from using it as his public defense and its working because his followers are too dumb to know better.

Trump wouldn’t let anybody mention Richard Nixon’s name in his presence.

Nixon pressured the Justice Department in secret which ultimately ended his presidency. Trump did it out in the open. Republicans looked the other way, the media didn’t dig into what he was doing, and his attorneys general did as they were told.

48 people went to jail for Nixon. In addition to the 1,100 MAGAs who have been indicted for helping Trump attempt a coup, 11 of his associates have been convicted or pleaded guilty, so far. One of them is Roger Stone. Trump has known him for decades. Stone knew Nixon, too. He loved him so much that he had a tattoo of him made on his back. He does the double peace sign to resurrect him whenever he’s coming off of a crime spree of his own. He worked with WikiLeaks to get Hillary’s emails and lied to the House Intelligence Committee. He got arrested and was released on $250,000 bond. Trump’s attorney general, Bill Barr, got involved and saved him from going to jail for 20 years then Trump pardoned him.

John Dean was Nixon’s White House counsel who went to jail for him. His conscience couldn’t take it so he blew the lid off of the investigation by coming clean and telling the truth. He’s been very outspoken about the dangers of Trump. He says he was way worse than Nixon — Nixon on steroids and stilts.

Trump covered up 450 minutes of White House call logs. Nixon only covered up 18 minutes. Trump also made texts disappear that were made on the day of a violent attempt to overthrow the government from the Secret Service, Department of Homeland Security, and Department of Defense.

The Mueller Report was delivered on the 46th anniversary of the secret Watergate tape where Nixon told one of his buddies, John Mitchell, “I want you all to stonewall it, let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up or anything else, if it’ll save it……save the plan.” John Mitchell was Nixon’s presidential campaign manager and Nixon made him Attorney General right away. He asked FBI director, J Edgar Hoover, not to conduct the usual background check on his buddy. John was a major player in the Watergate break in. To keep his wife from finding out about it he hired some men to kidnap her and hold her in a motel room where they later sedated her because she fought back so hard. The Republicans spun the incident as Martha was a drunk. Nixon said if there had been no Martha there wouldn’t have been a Watergate. For his role in Watergate John Mitchell was found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and perjury. He went to minimum security white man jail for 19 months.

Nixon was smart enough to plot to obstruct justice in secret but dumb enough to tape record the conversations. Trump was so dumb he obstructed justice right out in the open on TV and Twitter and got away with it because his cult followers are just as dumb as he is and the Republicans are just as corrupt.

Nixon asked the Department of Justice if he could pardon himself three days before he resigned.

The approval rating to impeach Nixon was 57% on the day he resigned. 53% wanted Trump impeached the first time, and 56% the second. Nixon resigned because there were Republicans with integrity who told him to his face that he’d better resign or they’ll impeach him. There were very few Republicans with any integrity when Trump got impeached. They were either too scared of him or they needed him.

Trump left office with an approval rating of 29%. Nixon’s approval when he resigned was 24%. It would have been higher if there was Fox News and Twitter back then.

If Nixon had been prosecuted there wouldn’t have been the Iran Contra, WMD, and Trump. It would have changed behaviors of Nixon and Bush and the Republicans wouldn’t have been able to create Trump.

Trump makes Watergate look like a preschool dance party. It took decades for the Republicans to get Nixon’s smell off of them. Trump’s stench will never come off.

Trump spoke in New Hampshire yesterday and sweated like a pig — a big fat sweaty smelly Nixon. He accused DA Fanni Wilson of being racist and sleeping with a gang member. Every time he gets indicted he checks the polls because people love it and him. The crowd chanted “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!” Trump says that on his first day in office he will appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the “Biden crime family” and then he’ll pardon himself. He acted as if being there was a burden to him. “I could have been relaxing at Mar-a-Lago or the south of France, which I would prefer to being in this country frankly.”

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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