Fire Pit

Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 3, 2020

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The Republican talking point for the day is China Did It. Mike Pence said, “We could’ve been better off if China had been more forthcoming” and Republican Senator Martha McSally is demanding the director of the World Health Organization resign because the WHO is covering up for communist China.

Trump’s Reality TV press briefing is starting to lose viewers which is going to pop Trump’s empty lid. Networks are starting to cut him off because he’s using them and never says anything new. Plus fewer and fewer experts are making any reports. Yesterday was the straw that broke the camel toe’s back. Jared Kushner showed up. That creepy, pale, emotionless, dull, spoiled brat didn’t have anything to say, but he spoke. As usual, Trump ranted. Yesterday’s rant was about “partisan investigations” and “witch hunts,” poll numbers, blaming the states for not being ready (the federal government is “not an ordering clerk”, we’re a “back up”.) When a reporter asked about states having to bid against each other for medical supplies he said, “They have to work that out……they should have — long before this pandemic arrived — they should have been on the open market just buying.”

“C-O-V-I-D. You know what means? It’s become a famous term. COVID-19.” The president of the United States said this. From the podium. On live television.

The number of coronavirus cases worldwide has passed 1 million.

Trump fired a Navy commander, Captain Brett Crozier, for calling him out. The coronavirus had made it aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt, and he requested that his sailors be relieved from duty and taken off the ship in order to save their lives because the virus will spread like wildfire aboard a ship where everybody lives on top of each other. He begged for help and got fired. As he left the aircraft carrier this morning, hundreds of sailors sent him off with applause and cheers. They chanted his name and one called him the GOAT, greatest of all time. He sacrificed himself for them and they all know it.

Trump pardons war criminals and fires whistle blowers.

The Pentagon has ordered all bases to stop reporting coronavirus cases.

“More than 100,000 Americans are expected to die after a slow initial government response to the coronavirus pandemic and the first person to be fired is … the aircraft carrier captain who pleaded for help for his stricken crew.” — Peter Baker

The governor of Georgia, Brian Kemp, admitted that he just learned that asymptomatic people can spread the coronavirus. Up until now, apparently the only information he has been getting is coming from Trump and right wing media. Now more people in Georgia will die.

Trump declared his man crush on MBS and Putin in a tweet: Just spoke to my friend MBS (Crown Prince) of Saudi Arabia, who spoke with President Putin of Russia, & I expect & hope that they will be cutting back approximately 10 Million Barrels, and maybe substantially more which, if it happens, will be GREAT for the oil & gas industry!

Trump and MBS and Putin are “friends.”

CNN host Chris Cuomo (brother of New York governor Andrew Cuomo) has a bad case of the coronavirus. His fever was so bad 2 nights ago that he shivered, chipped a tooth and hallucinated so much that he thought he saw his father Mario.

Governor Cuomo isn’t just the governor of New York, he’s the governor of America, leading the entire country through one of the scariest moments in US history. He’s doing what he has to do to get whatever he can from Trump (who he knows better than anybody,) while reassuring his state and the country that we’ll get through this, calling upon all governors to work together to share what they have. That’s leadership. Trump should be doing that.

The Federalist headline in the Wuhan Virus section: We Can Not Destroy The Country For the Sake of New York City.

Irony of ironies: The coronavirus outbreak is costing the Trump Organization more than a million dollars a day in lost revenue. He’s going to look to what he considers his money, the US treasury, to pay him back.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the only person on the coronavirus task force that is qualified to be on the task force, has called for a federally mandated stay at home order which means he should be fired soon.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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