First the Bad News

Spike Dolomite
4 min readNov 4, 2020

It’s the day after and most decent people didn’t sleep last night because Joe Biden didn’t win in a landslide. It was a moment of moral reckoning for the country — good vs evil, democracy vs fascism, white supremacy vs everyone else, and an awful lot of people turned out for the dark side. Good people lost sleep because they learned that so many bad people exist in America. 65 million shitty people voted for the worst president in history — a dictator loving, conman, criminal, impeached president who has literally been killing people every single day. Republicans get to keep Jesusland (most interior states flanked by coastal states.) Long live wife beating, gay bashing and Jim Crow! The electoral map didn’t change much meaning a chunk of the country needs to pick up a newspaper and get out more.

The bad news first:

Trump didn’t hurt Republicans at all. They all kept their seats:

Evil Moscow Mitch McConnell gets another 6 years to keep the Senate from doing anything except pack the courts with more ultra conservative judges.

Cry baby, ass kissing, traitor Lindsey Graham gets to sell out America for another 6 years.

Power hungry Kevin McCarthy won re-election.

Frat boy, rich kid Matt Gaetz won re-election.

Doesn’t know the price of beans Joni Ernst won re-election.

Trump loving Elise Stefanik won re-election.

Gun loving Steve Scalise who got shot won re-election.

Proud Confederate Cindy Hyde-Smith won re-election.

Good ol’ boy from Texas John Cornyn won re-election.

Lunatic Louie Gohmert won re-election.

Mike Pence’s brother, Greg Pence, won re-election in Indiana.

Two faced Ben Sasse won re-election.

Gym Jordan won re-election.

One eyed Dan Crenshaw won re-election.

Good guy Senator Doug Jones lost to Republican Tubby Tuba Tommy Tuberville in Alabama.

QAnon weirdo Marjorie Taylor Greene won.

Texas didn’t turn blue. In fact, Trump’s former White House doctor, Dr. Feel Good, Ronny Jackson, won a seat in the 13th congressional district.

Republican Greg Gianforte, the guy who got arrested for punching a reporter but still won his bid for Congress, is the new governor of Montana.

Anti-masker governor Mike Parson got re-elected in black lives don’t matter Missouri.

Mormon Utah that’s supposed to be so pro-family voted for a guy who has had 3 families and made orphans out of immigrants.

America has got to come to terms with the fact that it has a whole lot of under educated, greedy, self centered, misogynistic, homophobic, racists who live and vote in this country. There really are 2 Americas. Half of the country wants fascism and white supremacy and the other half definitely does not.

Republican voters are so dumb that they voted for a Republican in North Dakota who died from the coronavirus a month ago and he won.

As predicted and feared, Trump claimed victory even though millions of votes have not been counted. Trump asserted election fraud and called in the lawyers.

And now for the good news:

Democrats kept the House.

We didn’t lose any of the good guys except Doug Jones. The Squad is still there. Cory Booker is still there. Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff, Katie Porter, Maxine Waters, Ted Lieu, Eric Swalwell, and many more are still there.

Kelly Loeffler didn’t win in Georgia. She will face Democrat Raphael Warnock in a run off in January.

Democrat John Hickenlooper beat Trumper Cory Gardner for Senate in Colorado.

Democrat Mark Kelly beat Trumper Martha McSally for Senate in Arizona.

The first gay Afro Latino person has been elected to Congress — Democrat Ritchie Torres won in New York’s 15th Congressional District.

Pennsylvania needs to count 1.4 million mail in ballots. Biden has been winning 78% of them which means he’ll take Pennsylvania.

Joe Biden has taken the lead in Michigan and there are a lot of early ballots that still need to be counted which are heavily Democratic. Same with Wisconsin. There is no realistic path for Trump to pull ahead. Joe Biden has pretty much won the election, thanks to black voters in Milwaukee and Detroit. They saved Joe Biden and the country.

Georgia, Nevada and North Carolina are still too close to call but Joe Biden doesn’t need them to win.

Susan Collins is below 50% and slipping with 70% of the ballots counted.

Joe Biden will win the electoral college and the popular vote.

The good news is Joe Biden will win. The bad news he won’t win in a landslide and the Republicans weren’t wiped out. The problem isn’t Trump.

The worst part of the Trump presidency is not what we learned about Trump but what we learned about our friends and family.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.