For the Record

Spike Dolomite
5 min readJul 24, 2020

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Trump’s Operation Legend arrested the wrong citizen exercising her first amendment rights in Portland — a lawyer who had joined the moms to stand between the Secret Police and the peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters. They arrested her because one of them accused her of hitting him (which she didn’t do because lawyers aren’t that dumb.) She was shoved up against a wall, then thrown into a room inside the federal building without being read her rights. They didn’t identify themselves, tell her what she was being arrested for, or give her a chance to call an attorney. They eventually had her transferred to a county detention center where she was charged with misdemeanor assault of a federal officer and refusing to leave federal property. Her ID and phone were not returned to her and she still doesn’t know what agency arrested her. For the record, this is the kind of thing that happens to people at the border all the time by the same Trump mafiosos that arrested her and she wants people to remember that.

A judge ordered Michael Cohen released from prison some time today after finding that the DOJ threw him back into prison as an act of “retaliation” over his forthcoming tell all book about Trump. Trump mafiosos have more rights than peaceful protesters in Portland, for the record.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was minding her own business going about the people’s business at the Capitol when Congressman Ted Yoho got in her face and called her “disgusting,” “crazy,” “out of her mind,” “ dangerous,” and a “fucking bitch.” She shrugged it off by saying bitches get stuff done. A girl from the Bronx who has worked in restaurants and bars and ridden plenty of subways hears that language all the time but after she thought about it, she decided she shouldn’t shrug it off like she always does. As an elected official she demands respect, and out of obligation to her sisters in Congress, her parents and little girls everywhere, she called him and misogyny out on the House floor. In her speech she made sure to include the words, “fucking bitch”…….for the record.

Turns out that Ted Yoho is a Louie Gohmert/Steve King kind of Republican — obnoxious all of the time. He’s a pig on and off the record. He’s not sorry for anything. He hates AOC more than ever now.

Trump retweeted a guy named Buck Sexton 13 times yesterday morning. Who is Buck Sexton? a) A Will Farrell character, b) Buck Naked’s under study, or c) Woody Johnson’s keyboard player.

What’s a housewife to Trump? a) a heterosexual woman, married to a house, b) a white Republican woman from the 50s, c) the only occupation women should have, if they’re not ugly, d) a reality TV star who would vote for him because he too is a reality TV star.

Trump tweeted: The Suburban Housewives of America must read this article. Biden will destroy your neighborhood and your American Dream. I will preserve it, and make it even better!

His Real Houswives of America is code for, “Listen wench, Antifa is headed straight for your neighborhood so get inside and call the cops!” For the record, Trump is pandering to white racists in the suburbs. Protect your women! The anarchists and black people in Portland are headed your way and they’re going to rape your women, pee on your lawn and take your stuff!

Trump tweeted: Recently watched failed RINO Tom Ridge, former head of Homeland Security, trying to justify his sudden love of the Radical Left Mayor of Portland, who last night was booed & shouted out of existence by the agitators & anarchists. Love watching pathetic Never Trumpers squirm!

For the record, Republicans didn’t say anything when Trump called Tom Ridge a RINO on Twitter because they’re scared that he’ll call them a RINO on Twitter so fuck America.

Stephen Miller’s grandmother died of the coronavirus but he said no she didn’t. It’s on the record (the death certficate) but no she didn’t and anyway who cares.

Stephen Miller went on Fox and called Democratic mayors and governors secessionists and federal officers in Portland “heroes.”

Trump went on Fox too and said this about the mayor of Portland being attacked by his Secret Police — “They knocked the hell out of him — that was the end of him……We’ll go into all of the cities, any of the cities. We’re ready. We’ll put in 50,000, 60,000 people that really know what they’re doing. They’re strong. They’re tough. But as you know, we have to be invited in.”

Yes. For the record, the feds need to be invited in.

The DOJ inspector general is reviewing DOJ’s use of force against peaceful protestors in Portland and Washington DC which means Bill Barr will probably fire him by the end of the day because that stuff can’t go on the record.

The GOP convention in Jacksonville next month has been cancelled. Turns out it’s not safe to spend a weekend at a convention in Florida but it’s safe enough for kids to go to school 5 days a week.

Every player and coach on the Yankees and Nationals teams took a knee before the national anthem last night in DC, for the record.

For the record, Trump said he was done with any sport where players kneeled. Guess he won’t be throwing out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium on August 15th like he’s been bragging about.

Trump bragging. What’s new. The narcissistic, sociopathic, sadist, racist, liar criminal is a broken record.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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