Gaetz of Hell

Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 7, 2021

Matt Gaetz asked Trump for a blanket preemptive pardon for himself and other members of Congress for things nobody had been charged for yet.

Trump won’t come out and defend Matt Gaetz even though he’s desperate for the attention. Why not?

Matt Gaetz, along with all of the repugs who have or will be busted for crimes, think they’ll get away with everything if they just do what Trump did — tell bold face lies and blame the accusers. They think that if it worked for him it’ll work for them but it won’t. Matt Gaetz wrote an op ed in a conservative rag proclaiming himself as the victim and a target of vengeance. He’s going on the offense…..everybody is jealous because I’m having sex! Gaetz, like Trump, is a nightmare for defense attorneys.

Matt Gaetz’s fiancé, the “love of his life,” lives in California.

Former Democratic Congresswoman Katie Hill resigned immediately after her soon to be ex-husband divulged private nude photos of her and the Republiqans attacked her, the victim. Matt Gaetz showed nude photos of women he supposedly had sex with on the floor of the House and the Republiqans have said nothing.

Most Republiqans can’t stand Matt Gaetz which is really something since most decent people can’t stand Republiqans. They’re keeping quiet now but they’ll throw him under the bus as soon as he’s arrested.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz’s only friend in Congress besides Gym Jordan, says she has raised $3.2 million from 100,000 donors in the first quarter of 2021. If she’s not lying, who would give her any money since she doesn’t do anything but make a fool of herself? The same people who give Trump and Matt Gaetz money.

The idiots who give idiots money are idiotically screaming about vaccine passports now. The government is going to follow you everywhere and not let you leave the country! Vaccine passports are nothing new. International travelers know this because different countries have different requirements and if you’re not vaccinated for certain diseases you’re not getting in. The idiots freaking out about this don’t even have a regular passport and have never left their all white Republican hometowns and it shows.

Speaking of all white Republican hometowns, Mitch McConnell told his homies in Louisville while on spring recess that cancel culture works both ways — “Republicans drink Coca Cola too. And we fly. And we like baseball.” Kentucky’s other podunk senator, Rand Paul, went on Fox News and said, “If they want to boycott us, why don’t we boycott them? This is the only thing that will teach them a lesson. We will see how well they do when half of the country quits drinking Coca-Cola, when half the country quits using Delta.”

If Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul are going up against major corporations now does that mean they’re biting the hand that feeds them and will thus get their teeth knocked out or is Kentucky woke now?

Republiqans expect us to believe that giant, polluting, union busting, tax dodging corporations are all run by “woke” leftists instead of making a calculated business decision based on what’s good for their bottom line — not to be affiliated with racist policies.

A leaked phone call featuring Mitch McConnell’s dark money policy adviser and the Kochs has revealed that they are freaking out over the public’s support for election reform. They can’t come up with a good reason to be opposed to it without sounding like the KKK. If it passes, they won’t be able to buy elections anymore.

Trump is pissed that Georgia Governor Brian Kemp isn’t pissed enough. He called his new Jim Crow law a “watered down” bill that is too late anway — it should have happened before the election. “The Democrats in Georgia really push the Republicans around.”

Republiqans are sick and tired of being called racists. Lindsey Graham says they can’t do anything without being called racist and if you’re a black Republican you’re either an Uncle Tom or a prop. He’s so mad that he said that when they take back the Senate they’re gonna impeach Kamala Harris.

Trump endorsed seditionist Mo Brooks for the Senate race in Alabama, the guy who said there is a “war on whites” and spoke at the Stop the Steal Rally.

Welcome to Hell, how can the repugs serve you?

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.