Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 11, 2024

OJ Simpson is dead. Finally. Before there was Trump, there was OJ — a rich and famous wife beater who got away with double murder and unleashed the Kardashians on us.

OJ Simpson’s friend and attorney, Robert Kardashian (he’s dead too) helped get him off. OJ’s wife Nicole was his friend. Robert Kardashian’s legacy is getting OJ Simpson off, marrying a gold digger and spawning the Kardashian empire — lazy greedy spoiled brat kids who are so phony that nothing is left to rebuild in their faces and bodies. They contribute nothing good to the world and make Americans look artificial, pampered and lazy. Is Keeping Up with the Kardashians an American dream story? Come to America and get famous for nothing and make a ton of money. Doesn’t everybody aspire to sit around all day and do nothing? Isn’t that what Republicans think people on welfare do? Get paid to sit on their big luscious plastic butts all day?

Trump, the Trump Organization, and members of the crime family are dropping one by one into the rapidly moving “we gotcha” flood waters of the New York state justice system. Justice is coming and fast. Former CFO Allen Weisselberg is back in Rikers Prison. He’ll be there for five months for lying under oath during Trump’s civil fraud trial. That guy would rather drown in the flood than turn on Trump. The government won’t be calling him as a witness in the upcoming trial even though he’s a material witness because he has spent time in jail for fraud and perjury. He’s already fallen into the fast moving flood waters of the New York justice system and now he’s back for more. Will he get out and drop again?

A New York appeals court judge denied Trump’s attempt to stop the first criminal trial in New York that is supposed to start in a few days. This was his tenth attempt, the third in three straight days. The media keeps calling it the “hush money” trial but it’s way more than that. He only won by 80,000 votes in the swing states in 2016. If the Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal stories had come out at the same time as the “grab ’em by the pussy” story did, would 80,000 people have been turned off and not voted for him? People thinking this story is about boinking a porn star and paying her off because you’re a married man running for president will be surprised to learn that this case is about Trump falsifying business records to unlawfully influence an election. The porn star part will just get people to look.

Trump has to show up every day for trial. Trial by day, campaign by night.

The lieutenant governor of Georgia, Burt Jones, is being investigated for his role as a fake Trump elector in the 2020 election.

Jonathan Stone, one of Trump’s county campaign chairs in New Hampshire, got fired from his job as a cop for having sex with a teenaged girl. He got mad and threatened to kill everybody in a shooting spree, specifically the department chief, after raping his wife.

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.’s campaign hasn’t been doing very well. The only media coverage he manages to get is for being a kook. His famous liberal family loves him but they’ve totally distanced themselves from him. Every family has one and RFK Jr is theirs. He finally admitted that his goal was to get Trump elected.

Lauren Boebert got so smashed at a Trump fundraiser the bar cut her off — nobody would serve her any more booze. She hung all over Trump trying to get selfies. Getting cut off at Trump’s fundraiser comes 6 months after she was escorted out of a theater for vaping and heavy petting with a man who was not her husband. The theater had a high quality security system. You can really see her putting on quite a show as a member of the audience.

Kevin McCarthy said that the reason he’s not Speaker anymore is because Matt Gaetz wanted him to stop an ethics complaint about him having sex with a 17 year old.

Mattel is revising it’s board game Scrabble because people are too dumb now. They have come up with a new version where players can work in teams, get hints, and always win. Fox says Scrabble has gone woke. They think that accusing smart people of being woke is insulting but it’s funny to smart people. They think it’s hilarious that people who couldn’t win at preschool Scribble Scrabble are smarter than them because they watch Fox News.

After House Republicans introduced legislation to rename an airport outside of Washington, DC, after Trump, a group of House Democrats proposed a bill to rename another site after the former president — a federal prison in Miami. The legislation would change the “Miami Federal Correctional Institution” to the “Donald J. Trump Federal Correctional Institution.”



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.