Heads Exploding

Former White House counsel, Don McGahn, was supposed to testify before Congress today regarding Trump’s attempts to obstruct the Russia investigation but he didn’t because Trump told him not to.

Michael Cohen told lawmakers that Trump’s attorney, Jay Sekulow, instructed him to lie about the Moscow project ending in January 2016. Jay Sekulow laughed it off, and said you’re gonna believe him? He’s a known liar! That’s funny. It’s Jay Sekulow’s job to defend the biggest liar in American history.

The governor of Alabama is confident that the abortion ban won’t hurt tourism. She could be right. Nobody ever wanted to go to Alabama before the state took ownership of women so tourism revenue shouldn’t go down.

A station in Alabama is refusing to air a cartoon about a rat because the rat is gay.

“I used to think the ending of Forrest Gump was so sad when Jenny died. But now I see it’s actually a happy ending, because she got out of Alabama.” — Matt Fernandez

Trump did a MAGA rally and accused the FBI and Democrats of treason. The crowd cheered, “Lock them up!” One of his groupies was wearing a red MAGA hat AND a brick wall suit so Trump pulled him up on stage so he could be caught on camera.

“That is one diverse looking crowd. You have the full spectrum from white guys with hats to white guys without hats.” — Matthew Miller

A federal district judge told Trump’s accounting firm to turn over Trump’s records to the House Oversight Committee. The judge isn’t having any of Trump’s bullshit.

Another judge rejected Trump’s attempt at blocking subpoenas, saying Congress is well within its authority to investigate him. That judge isn’t having any of Trump’s bullshit either.

Trump said that Democrats want women to be able to have abortions beyond the 3rd term. What the hell does that even mean? Kindergarten?

Mike Pence gave a commencement speech at Taylor University and students and faculty walked out because he’s such a douche. He blathered on about “freedom of religion” anyway. Robert F. Smith gave a commencement speech at Morehouse College and told the graduates he was paying off their student loans.

Farmers are finally starting to turn on Trump because they want to protect their businesses and families. Never mind the damage that’s been done to the country and the world over the past 2 ½ years. It didn’t affect them so what do they care?

A fifth migrant child has died in US custody. He was 16 and from Guatemala. Whatever, says the farmer. What about ME?

ICE has a record breaking 52,000 immigrants in detention. “Who’s gonna work my farm?” whined the farmer.

“I saw ‘Democrats for tRump’ trending. That sounds like a Russian disinformation campaign if I’ve ever seen one. That’s like ‘Women for tRump’ or ‘Hispanics for tRump’ or ‘Trees for Chainsaws’ or ‘Cells for Cancer’ or ‘Windows for Rocks’ or ‘Newly Washed Cars for Bird Poop.’ FFS.” — Bridget Resists

Trump plans on pardoning service members who committed war crimes for Memorial Day because Fox News wants him to. Normally the justice department makes the recommendations and the subjects are vetted by lawyers but there is nothing normal about this administration so service members who shot unarmed civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan (a young woman, a teenager and an old man) and peed on Taliban corpses will be forgiven and rewarded like a Wall Street banker who threw grandmothers out on the street during the recession. Some haven’t even been tried yet. Trump called one of them a hero on Twitter.

Muslim members of Congress hosted the first iftar at the Capitol, the meal eaten each night after sunset to break the fast during Ramadan. Fox News viewers’ heads exploded but it was easy to clean up because there’s nothing in there.

Support the Daily Crime Report on Patreon!

For a copy of the Mueller Report, click here.

For a list of attorneys giving legal analysis about the imploding Trump presidency on Twitter, click here.

For the best journalists to follow on Twitter, click here.

For straight news, check out these reliable sources on Twitter.

The Daily Crime Reports are being published as “quarterly reports” (three month groups) as part of “The Treason Chronicles” on Amazon for Kindle. To purchase one or more quarters, click here.



Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.