Hillbilly Hallelujah

Spike Dolomite
5 min readDec 21, 2021

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Joe Manchin said he was never going to support Build Back Better. He’s been lying this whole time, making the Democrats dance for him. He said he did it so the Dems would “negotiate.” Joe Manchin represents one of the poorest, most backward states in the nation. His constituents need Build Back Better more than most. 93% of the children in West Virginia are benefitting from the Child Tax Credit but he thinks their parents use that money to buy drugs. He also said that they’d abuse paid sick leave, which is in the bill, by faking illness so they could go hunting. On top of that, trying to explain what’s in the Build Back Better bill to them is a waste of his time. Too stupid? Publicly he uses inflation as an excuse not to support it but he’s not concerned about inflation when it comes to spending $768,000,000,000 on defense. Everybody hates him right now. He’s taking a lot of shit for going on Fox to betray the president, his own party, and ordinary Americans who aren’t filthy rich like him. He got sick of protesters harassing him everywhere he went so he went on Fox and blew his top, confessing that he has been wasting everybody’s time and taking advantage of his colleagues. He is not worthy of the respect that the president and so many senators have been giving him. He’s a prick. A Republican in Democrat’s clothing.

“I think what Senator Manchin did yesterday represents such an egregious breach of trust of the president.” — Alexandria Ocasio Cortez

“With the country on edge over an alarming spike of covid cases and the holidays right around the corner, a Democratic senator decided to go on MAGA TV and drive a dagger into a Democratic president’s agenda. Merry Christmas!” — Aaron Rupar

Chuck Schumer is going to call the vote anyway to force I Got Mine So Fuck You Joe Mansion to go on record for being a Reagan welfare queen Republican in drag.

Trump is suing New York attorney general Letitia James for investigating him. He actually got a lawyer to bring stuch a suit. The RNC is paying for Trump’s lawyers — $1.6 million.

The Select Committee is investigating a bunch of crimes. Besides gathering evidence that Trump and his psychophants obstructed Congress by trying to stop the certification of electoral votes, they’re looking into wire fraud by Republicans who raised $255.4 million off of the Big Lie by telling their deranged followers that the election was stolen. Hallelujah.

Officer Michael Fanone, famous for going into cardiac arrest as a result of being beaten and tased by Trump’s mob during the Capitol attack, has resigned from the DC police force. He can’t take it anymore — “Clearly there are some members of our department who feel their oath is to Donald Trump and not to the Constitution….… I no longer felt like I could trust my fellow officers and decided it was time to make a change.”

73% of covid cases in the US are the omicron variant which is highly contagious. Last week 3% of the cases were omicron. It’s spreading really, really fast prompting vaccinated people to cancel their plans for Christmas so they aren’t part of the spread. 150,000 to 342,000 people are expected to die from it by mid-February. They wouldn’t have to succumb to the virus if they’d just get vaccinated. In a couple of months over a million people will have met their end by suffocating to death from the Trump Plague, brought on by their own ignorance and arrogance.

Fox has a new policy where proof of regular testing will no longer be sufficient. You have to prove you’re vaccinated to come into the building and yet Fox and Friends is telling its audience this morning not to get vaccinated. They’re murdering people.

Day 3 of the America Fest 2021 in Phoenix was a freak show. One of the acts was a parade of “whistleblowers” dancing on stage. Among them was April Moss, a former weather anchor who got fired from a local CBS station because she interrupted her broadcast to say that she was working with Project Veritas. She refused to wear a mask or get tested for covid for her job. Kyle Rittenhouse was treated like a rock star. He took to the stage with thousands of cheering fans chanting his name to the tune of his own theme song written especially for him. Women wanted to bed him like Kid Rock groupies. Fox News host Jesse Watters told the crowd to go after Dr Fauci and harass him if they see him in public — “Now you go in with the kill shot…..deadly! Because with an ambush, he doesn’t see it coming.” Paul Gosar, Andy Biggs, and Louie Gohmert were on a panel about election integrity. Rand Paul teleported in. Sarah Palin told the crowd that “it will be over my dead body” that she ever gets vaccinated. Nobody saw the irony in that because they all feel the same way. OVER MY DEAD BODY! Nobody was wearing masks. One person infected with omicron will spread it to 20 people. The omicron variant is spreading through that convention like free sex and drugs at a socialist’s party. Everybody is going to catch it and bring it back to their own families and communities. People are going to get really sick and die and it’s all their fault.

Joe Mansion’s fellow hillbilly senator, Marsha Blackburn from Tennessee tweeted: I’ll be celebrating Christmas with my family and we’ll sing hallelujah whether Anthony Fauci likes it or not.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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