Holy Toledo

Spike Dolomite
4 min readAug 6, 2019

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Trump’s staff propped him up in front of a podium inside the White House to read a teleprompter so the nation could hear from the president about the violent attacks on innocent people over the weekend. He sniffed and slurred and read out loud. He called for unity and condemned racism which made the country scream out in disgust. Except for the MAGAs. They screamed, but not over the hypocrisy of such an empty statement. They were mad that he said it at all. They love him BECAUSE he’s a racist and white nationalist. Now he’s saying he’s not? WTF? He concluded his empty remarks written by somebody else with God Bless Toledo. The shooting was in Dayton.

Barack Obama released an eloquent, well thought out statement denouncing white supremacy. Trump took it personally and defended himself by quoting Fox and Friends in his good morning America tweet: “Did George Bush ever condemn President Obama after Sandy Hook. President Obama had 32 mass shootings during his reign. Not many people said Obama is out of Control. Mass shootings were happening before the President even thought about running for Pres.”

Trump still plans on getting his picture taken in El Paso and Dayton tomorrow.

Congresswoman Veronica Escobar says Trump is not welcome in El Paso.

Former congressman of El Paso and current presidential candidate, Beto O’Rourke says Trump should not go to El Paso. “He has no place here.”

The mayor of Dayton said she hasn’t heard from Trump about visiting tomorrow. “Maybe he’s going to Toledo.”

Pittsburgh didn’t want him to come to their city either, after the synagogue shooting. That was 10 months ago. 11 worshippers were killed and 7 injured. The murderer was an anti-Semite who said he wanted all Jews to die.

Trump says that mental health pulled the trigger, not the gun.

Mike Huckabee says the ONLY thing that will solve mass shootings is thoughts and prayers.

Kellyanne Conjob says the president can’t be taking advice from people on the TV who scream at him. She advised them to “turn down the temperature.”

Uruguay issued a travel warning to its citizens. If you plan on visiting the US, be aware of the “growing violence” fueled by “racism and discrimination” that American “authorities are unable to prevent” due to “indiscriminate” gun ownership.

Ohio state legislator, Candice Keller, is blaming mass shootings on drag queen advocates, homosexual marriage, fatherlessness, pot, open borders and Barack Obama. The only thing that’s worse than her saying such a thing is that there are people who vote for because she says these things.

3% of Americans own 50% of the guns. Most of them are white men who fear losing their privileged status of being born white and male in America.

Cesar Sayoc got 20 years for trying to kill Democrats. Trump can’t even get kicked off Twitter.

Former US Republican congressman of Florida, David Jolly, says the Republicans will never, ever do anything about gun control so they need to be driven out of congress — “Commit to beating Republicans. Beat them. Beat every single one of them.”

More cracks are appearing in the hard, old, hollow, white, Viagra dependent GOP shell. More Republicans have announced they won’t seek re-election in 2020. More and more people are furious with Mitch McConnell. Democrats are starting to use every day language to call Moscow Bitch out for being the one lone person blocking gun legislation. And little by little Republicans are starting to condemn their own party. Very slowly, and very meekly, but it’s starting to happen. Too little too late, but at least there’s a crack.

Poor Moscow Mitch. He’s fallen and can’t obstruct. He’s in a brace for his broken shoulder and he’s got the pictures to prove it. He doesn’t need a note from his doctor saying he can’t meet with his constituents during August recess. He’s got pictures. Kentucky’s other senator is laid up and can’t meet with constituents either. Rand Paul had to have part of his lung removed. It’s too damaged from when his neighbor kicked his ass in 2017. Boy did he luck out. What are the odds of both (very unpopular) senators in one state not having to do their jobs and meet with pissed off constituents due to health reasons?

Holy Toledo! Would you look at the time?!! I’ve got to take my pain pill in the comfort of my own huge house that nobody on my known salary could afford with the curtains drawn and the phones turned off.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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