How Lowe Can He Go?

Spike Dolomite
4 min readFeb 10, 2019

Matt Whitaker will be moving on to his next temp job soon. Trump should be pleased with this audition the other day during the House Judiciary Committee hearing when he acted like a sarcastic spoiled teenager. Trump will find a new part for him. Perhaps he will get to run the White House or his campaign. He’s done so many different things. He’s owned a daycare center and a concrete supply business, been a US attorney who tried to prosecute Iowa’s first openly gay legislator and lost, he’s been a GOP activist and has appeared on cable news shows lots of times, and he’s even run for US senate thanks in big part to the many gambling organizations that donated to his losing campaign. Oh, and he was involved in a firm that scammed veterans out of their life savings. A real jack off of all trades that crazy kid Matt Whitaker is.

The most interesting temp job Matt Whitaker has had was “working” for a conservative nonprofit where he got paid a salary of $1.2 million to run the “charity,” the Foundation for Accountability and Civic Trust. He got to name it because he was pretty much it. How did he get paid so much money when he was it? He was paid by another nonprofit, the Donor’s Trust, a pass through nonprofit that washes donor money and puts it into a pot to be poured out into other shady nonprofits like his that have no staff or real board of directors.

Trump is going to El Paso to hold a MAGA rally to promote his wall tomorrow while Beto O’Rourke leads a march through town at the exact same time to protest Trump’s stupid fucking racist wall. They don’t want it. Beto lives in El Paso. He grew up there. The anti MAGAs in town put enough money together to transport the mocking Trump baby blimp to El Paso just in time to greet the cry baby president when he storms into town.

Two women announced their run for president this weekend, Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar. Instead of focusing on the historical significance of this, haters are obsessing about Warren’s ancestry (aka her emails) and reports that Klobuchar is a tough boss. Given that the standard before Barack Obama was white men only for president, candidates’ heritage were never scrutinized. But being a tough boss? HA! Since when have politically powerful white men ever been accused of being a mean boss?

Actor Rob Lowe tweeted that Elizabeth Warren would bring a whole new meaning to Commander in “Chief.” It wasn’t well received so he deleted it and accused people of not being able to take a joke. It wasn’t funny and all he did was out himself as a Republican and remind everyone that he’s that guy who videotaped himself and another guy having sex with a 16 year old girl without her knowledge way back when. Ya, he’s that guy.

Black history month: In the 1800’s the “father of gynecology,” J. Marion Sims, experimented on slaves without anesthesia because he believed that black women couldn’t feel pain.

Two gay men screamed “FUCK YOU!” to Mike Pence when he was in the audience of the Music Man in Washington DC. That made Rosie O’Donnell happy. She invited them and 76 trombones back a second night as her guests.

Sandusky, Ohio has scrapped Columbus Day and replaced it with the paid holiday, Election Day.

Trump’s trips to Mar-a-Lago are costing us $1 million a day. He’s living it up like the country isn’t on fire and he’s not the subject of several investigations and is being blackmailed by Putin.

Trump could stand on 5th Avenue and yell, “MAGAs are a bunch of gullible, ignorant, racist losers!” and he wouldn’t lose any support.

Trump’s campaign is paying the legal fees for Jared and Ivanka and apparently his idiot base is cool with it. They’re cool with not getting the tax refunds they were promised too. Because they’d still wear his hat even if he stood out on Fifth Avenue and yelled, “MAGAs are a bunch of gullible, ignorant, racist losers!”

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Anyone still supporting Trump is a gullible, ignorant racist loser or else they’re being blackmailed by the Russians, the NRA, or the National Enquirer.

Hundreds of white moms showed up in DC to protest for their right to not to vaccinate their kids amidst an ongoing outbreak of measles that they caused, proving that they have more in common with the red hat MAGAs down the street protesting for their right to be fucked over by the guy that they elected.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.