How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Spike Dolomite
4 min readDec 22, 2018

The Republican controlled government has shut down for the third time in 2 years, 3 days before Christmas. They’re so corrupt and incompetent that they can’t legislate or run the country. THE REPUBLICANS SHUT THEMSELVES DOWN. The people who voted for them are so dumb that they believe that the Democrats are responsible for this. The Democrats aren’t responsible. They can’t do much and Republican voters would know that if they knew anything about how our government is supposed to run.

Trump says “they” (he) are prepared for a long shutdown and that he is willing to sacrifice his trip to Mar-a-Lago to see it through. Trump’s sacrifice for his country is not going to his private country club for Christmas to grease elbows with a bunch of rich white Who’s Whos who pay to be in his company.

“I am proud to shut down the government. I will take the mantle. I will be the one to shut it down. I’m not gonna blame you for it.” — Trump to Chuck Schumer in the Oval Office, on camera, December 11, 2018. The Grinch bragged about stealing Christmas on his reality TV show.

The first Secretary of State is gone. In his place is a Trump yes man who is cozy with North Korea, Russia and Saudi Arabia. The Secretary of Defense is gone which has the whole world really, really nervous. The Secretary of Interior just left amidst turmoil and scandal. The first Secretary of Homeland Security is Trump’s second Chief of Staff and he’ll soon be gone. The second Secretary of Homeland Security is a heartless cruel grinch who lets poor, exhausted, traumatized migrant children die and doesn’t know exactly what her job description is except to let poor, exhausted, traumatized migrant children die. The corrupt EPA Administrator is gone. National security advisers are gone. Nobody wants to work for the Trump administration, not even the other grinches, and Jared can only do so much.

85 year old Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had cancerous nodules removed from one of her lungs. She kept working from her hospital bed because she’s a bad ass who really cares about our country.

About 500 000 government workers will not be paid during the Christmas holiday because of the Grinch Shutdown.

While everyone else was frantically trying to figure out how to beat Trump to keep the government open while our democracy was hanging by a thread, the Republicans on the House Rules Committee scheduled an emergency meeting to debate cheese. Cheese.

Paul Ryan gave himself a sendoff worthy of Churchill.

Trump yelled at his acting attorney general, Matt Whitaker, because he thinks that he let federal prosecutors file charges against Michael Cohen that made Trump look bad. He’s not supposed to do that. He’s not supposed to talk to the attorney general about any case that he and his family have been implicated in and Matt Whitaker knows it.

If Trump doesn’t want people in the country who are criminals and have lots of problems he should self deport to Russia.

Trump ordered 7,000 troops out of Afghanistan. The Taliban rejoiced, “We defeated the world’s lone super power!” Victory! We won!

Trump is fundraising right now by texting his supporters a special coupon code that they can use to get a special MAGA red cap Christmas ornament if they order NOW! A separate text went out to scare people into giving for the wall, “Become and official wall builder member” NOW!

An example of how awful MAGAs are: The guy who shot and killed students at a high school in Parkland, Florida was so heartless and mean that he put his MAGA hat in his mom’s casket after she died. She hated Trump.

A 78 year old gun nut sent a note to gun Parkland gun shooting survivor David Hogg. “Keep f — -ing with the NRA and you’ll be DOA.” Because of the laws that he and his high school friends helped get passed back in February, the gun nut is sitting in jail without bond. He and his family are safe. Gun laws work. Oh and David Hogg just got accepted into Harvard.

So why would Trump steal Christmas? Could it be his head wasn’t screwed on quite right, or that his hair piece was sewn on too tight? No that’s not it, there is only one reason for this childish gall, and that is his heart is 2 sizes too small. He hates the Who’s Whos of Whoville and all, he’s jealous of Santa and wants him to take the fall, so he took all the presents but Christmas came anyway because of you know who.

Merry Christmas Bob Mueller!

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.