Humping a Football

Spike Dolomite
3 min readOct 13, 2023

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Synagogues and Jewish schools around the world are being encouraged to close today because of potential terrorist attacks targeting Jews.

Israel warned 1 million civilians in Gaza that they better head south because they’re coming. It’s not really possible because the roads have been bombed, fuel has been cut off, and none of the neighboring Muslim countries will help them out by taking them in. No food, water, or shelter. They’re stuck. Looks like ground invasion is imminent. Hamas is telling everybody to stay put. Hamas and Iran are counting on the attack to be so brutal and devastating that Israel will lose the world’s sympathy. Civilians are sitting ducks, trapped in an open air prison.

Gaza has been hit with 6,000 munitions in 6 days. That’s approximately one hit per minute.

The Israeli military is destroying ground tunnels that Hamas has built.

Israel says it won’t stop until all of the hostages are freed.

27 Americans have been killed and 14 are unaccounted for. 400–600 are stuck in Gaza.

Israel bombed airports in Syria before Iran’s foreign minister could land.

Egypt won’t let Palestinians escape through them. Exit points have been bombed out anyway.

The UN has warned that an evacuation of 1 million people from northern Gaza could lead to “devastating humanitarian consequences.”

Secretary of State Blinken has reassured Israel that the US is with them. As far as the Republicans’ claim that the US gave Iran $6 billion to give to Hamas to attack Israel, it’s not true and the funds have been frozen. “None of the funds have actually been spent or accessed in any way by Iran. We have strict oversight of the funds, and we retain the right to freeze them.”

The war in Ukraine rages on.

While 2 key US allies are engulfed in wars, the US is facing a potential government shutdown in a month, and Americans are being held hostage overseas, the government can’t function because Republicans in Congress can’t get it together to elect a Speaker. They’re preoccupied with personal grievances, getting revenge, petty beefs, and competing for media attention. Congress is a complete mess.

Steve Scalise withdrew from the Speaker race. Jim Jordan is the only declared candidate so far and he can’t win even though he’s the only one running. Jim Jordan is the ultimate answer to “What’s a loser?”

The only solution is a bipartisan one. Dems are needed to elect a Speaker. They stand ready.

Republicans have spent the past 40 years ranting that the government is the enemy and here they are with the majority and they can’t even govern. Government isn’t the enemy. Republicans are.

GOP chair of the Foreign Affairs Committee, Mike McCaul of Texas, pointed to a room where Republicans were meeting and told reporters, “Every day that goes by, it gets more dangerous…..I see a lot of threats out there, but one of the biggest threats I see is in that room, because we can’t unify as a conference and put a Speaker in the chair together.”

Democratic Palestinian-American Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is understandably very upset. Republican Congressman Brian Mast who fought in the Israeli Army is understandably upset, too. He wore his uniform to the GOP conference. When asked about it he said, “Tlaib has her flag, I got my uniform.”

Democratic Senator John Fetterman went on Colbert’s late night show wearing his signature shorts and hoodie (which really annoys the Republicans — they’re preoccupied with Fetterman’s clothes, too). When asked if the Senate is in talks to include increased aid to Israel in the next federal budget he said, “Right now they can’t do anything. We don’t have a Speaker……..Scoring points on Fox News has real, major kinds of ramifications for the world.” He said Republicans treat everything like it is entertainment. “America is not sending their best and brightest, you know, to Washington DC.”

“Observing the House GOP electing a speaker is like watching a monkey trying to hump a football.” — Former GOP strategist Jeff Timmer.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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