I Won’t Be Home for Christmas

Spike Dolomite
5 min readDec 6, 2021

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The parents of the 15 year old boy who shot up his school in Michigan have each been charged with four counts of homicide involuntary manslaughter. As soon as they found out that they were going to be held responsible for giving their kid the gun and ignoring the blaring signs that were obvious to school administrators, James and Jennifer Crumbley withdrew $4,000 from their bank account and went on the run. Gun nut MAGA parents abandoned their son Ethan in jail to save their own asses. The feds captured them hiding out in a basement of a commercial building close to the Canadian border after being on the run for 10 hours. Irony of ironies — if they did actually try to cross the border they’d be denied entry because they’d have to provide proof of vaccination. Since Congress refuses to do anything about legislating gun ownership, perhaps throwing gun nuts who raise kids to be mass murderers in jail might deter the deranged ammosexuals from fetishizing guns with their offspring. The Crumbley family will be spending Christmas in jail, separate from one another, in their own scary jail cells.

The signs were all there and the parents not only ignored them, they joked about the school pointing them out. The school had brought the parents in to alert them that their son had been drawing pictures of himself shooting up the school, pleading for help because he couldn’t stop his dark thoughts. They told them that they wanted them to take their son home and get him into therapy within 48 hours and they refused. Their son was sent back to class with the gun in his backpack. On November 21 they ignored calls and messages from the school about their son being observed by a teacher shopping for ammunition on his phone. Mom texted Ethan, “LOL, I’m not gonna get mad at you, you have to learn to not get caught.”

On the day of the shooting she texted, “Don’t do it.”

The parents not only knew their kid was disturbed and was planning to shoot other kids at school, they bought him the gun on Black Friday as a Christmas present.

Fugitive parents on the run wasn’t all over the TV. No wall to wall coverage. The media is tired of school shootings, even ones where the parents get arrested. They’re being held on $500,000 bond each. The parents hired an attorney for themselves but left their kid to be represented by a public defender. The Crumbleys — just an ordinary Trumplican family in 2021 who will undoubtedly come out of this as heroes in right wing psycho world.

Jeanine Pirro blamed what Ethan Crumbley did on the “liberal school personnel.”

60 schools in Michigan were closed after the shooting for fear of copy cats, plus the kids’ anxiety levels were through the roof. While their parents threaten school boards over their kids having to wear masks, they’re kids are huddled under desks, in fear for their lives as one of their own walks the halls determined to kill them. Everybody is so freaked out that mass panic ensued at a sundown vigil after someone fainted. The crowd scattered and ran, thinking someone had been shot.

Days after the teenaged son of Trumplicans shot up a school, Republican Congressman from Kentucky, Thomas Massie, a libertarian tea party caucus gun nut posted a Christmas photo of he and his wife and kids all holding huge guns in front of the Christmas tree. Under the traditional Merry Christmas greeting, they added: “PS — please Santa bring ammo.” He’s a representative of the modern day Republican party. He doesn’t believe in climate change, he’s a regular on Fox News, and he compares having to wear masks and getting vaccinated as being the same as having to live under a Nazi regime. He’s been fined a number of times for refusing to wear a mask on the House floor and is suing Nancy Pelosi along with Marjorie Taylor Greene and Ralph Norman over “tyrannical covid 19 mandates.”

In other news, the Select Committee has released the transcript that explains more about why they are holding Jeff Clark in contempt of Congress. He had walked out of a deposition after refusing to answer any questions. The committee wanted to ask him if he sent the memo to states urging them to flip the election for Trump in cooperation with the White House or if he did that on his own. He was supposed to show up over the weekend but called in sick. Pleading the fifth means he worked with the White House. That’s huge. The investigation is getting closer to Trump.

Another attorney who was involved in trying to get states to give Trump the win, John Eastman, is pleading the fifth now too. The Select Committee is moving in on the crime of the centuries.

They’re pleading the fifth because they don’t want to testify against themselves.

Mark Meadows is supposed to testify at the same time that his book comes out this week. It’s going to be really hard to claim executive privilege if he blabbed in his book.

Former US Senator and disabled veteran Bob Dole has died. After he went on the Senate floor at the age of 89 in his wheel chair, exactly 9 years ago to plead with his colleagues to embrace the UN Covenant on disability rights, the hypocrites gave him a standing ovation and then voted against it. He served his country in the Senate and in WWII but in the end he devolved with the Republican party, calling himself a Trumper and voting for him twice. Welcome home, Bob. We’ll remember the Trumper part as a symptom of getting too old.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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