Inserts and Sidebars
The Derek Chauvin case is now in the hands of the jury. The defense’s closing statement wasn’t much of a defense. George Floyd did it (he was a drug addict and a thief with a bad heart.) The prosecution closed with, “You were told, for example, that Mr. Floyd died because his heart was too big. Having heard all the evidence, you know the truth. And the truth of the matter is that the reason George Floyd is dead is because Mr. Chauvin’s heart was too small.”
Insert angels singing here.
Sidebar — while angels sing, everybody who is paying attention who isn’t a racist can hear their hearts pounding with fear because even though the murder was documented on video, they know he can easily be acquitted because cops who kill often are.
The jury was told that only Derek Chauvin was on trial, not the police (insert eyeroll here.) The jury should have found Chauvin guilty 9 minutes and 29 seconds after they walked into the deliberation room, the same amount of time it took for him to murder George Floyd. The man is guilty and the whold world knows it. People are extremely anxious. Black people are accustomed to this kind of suspense and burning rage because it happens all the time in their communities. Thanks to the BLM movement, a record number of white allies are burning with rage too but they’re not used to this. They’re apt to really blow if he’s acquitted and get themselves beat up pretty bad by the police if they run out into the street thinking that their white privilege will protect them (insert danger warning here.) To control the crowds, streets have been torn up in Minneapolis so people can’t get through.
The defense moved for a mistrial at the last minute because Congresswoman Maxine Waters had said publicly over the weekend that people better get confrontational if Chauvin is acquitted. She didn’t mean run out into the street and blow shit up, she meant confront injustice and fight the system. The Republiqans inserted themselves into the drama and jumped all over the black woman for “inciting violence.” Tucker Carlson said that Maxine Waters is “guilty” of greater incitement of violence than Donald Trump is (insert an emoji of a little prick here.)
Sidebar: The judge denied the defense’s motion but did say it could be used in a case for appeal.
We’ve made so many advances as a country over the past 245 years but we’ve never gotten racism right. We have to get it right this time for everything else to advance because systemic racism is weaved throughout everything else. There is no going back. We have to get this right.
American cops have killed more than 6,000 people since 2015. More than twice as many black people are killed than white people, and only 12.2% of the country’s population is black. Murder by cop is the sixth leading cause of death for young black men. INSERT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL HERE.
Cops in Minnesota zip tied an Asian American CNN producer, asked her if she spoke English, and then threw her in jail for a couple of hours. INSERT ALL WOMEN ARE CREATED EQUAL HERE.
In other news, kids keep getting shot. 6 kids were shot at a 12 year old’s birthday party in Louisiana. The shooter was the birthday boy. There was an argument and then he pulled a gun on them in the family garage. In Maryland, a 12 year old shot a 13 year old at the mall. A 7 year old girl was shot and killed in the McDonald’s drive-thru in Chicago. In Fort Worth, a 3 year old found a loaded gun in the side door of the family car and fatally shot herself. Insert gun control legislation here, right now, today.
Republican governors are up to no good, as usual. In North Dakota, Governor Doug Burgum signed into law legislation that allows student groups at colleges, universities, and high schools to discriminate against LGBTQ students. He also signed a law inserting the Ten Commandments in public schools. In Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis signed into law legislation that would make it a crime to protest. They called it an anti-riot bill. Cops will decide if a peaceful protest is actually a riot. Insert more Democrats here.
Amy Coney Barrett, the woman with very little experience who got rammed through by the Republicans to take Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s seat on the Supreme Court before Ruth’s body was even cold, got a $2 million advance for a book deal. Now the Republican power groups will buy up all the books so she’ll make the New York Times bestseller list. Then she’ll get 6 figure speaking fees and more book deals which is a legal way to funnel money to her so they can call in favors in the future. Insert more justices here (the Dems are working on it!)
Extreme right wing network OAN (One America News) broadcasts Trump’s Big Lie about voter fraud, continues to refer to Trump as president, spreads QAnon bullshit and Russian propaganda, and claims that the riot at the Capitol was the work of left wing agitators. Employees say they don’t take any responsibility for the hate crimes that are inspired by their “reporting” nor do they blame themselves for the insurrection because it’s just a job and they have bills to pay like everybody else. “We’re not Nazis,” one employee said. That’s what the Nazis said after WWII. Insert karma is going to get you here.
And now for some good news. Half of the adults in the US have been vaccinated and the other half are eligible to be vaccinated as of yesterday. Make sure to ask Republiqan and Libertarian neighbors, co-workers and weirdo relatives who got the vaccine how they enjoy their socialized medicine.
Insert diabolical laughter here.
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