Kick ‘Em Out

Spike Dolomite
4 min readDec 8, 2022

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A restaurant in Virginia cancelled an anti-gay, anti-abortion Christian group reservation for a private event 90 minutes before the event was supposed to start after management learned about how hateful and awful they were. Since they have women and gay people on their staff, they didn’t want their employees to have to serve them so they preemptively 86’d them. Now they’re boo-hooing about being discriminated against, comparing themselves to Black customers who were refused service and kicked out prior to the Civil Rights Act.

Former child star and current loudmouth, self-righteous evangelical Christian, Kirk Cameron, wrote a children’s book about the one, true, right religion but can’t get into any public libraries to read it for story hour. 50 libraries said no to him using them to indoctrinate children (drag queens don’t write the books, they just read them, and they’re fabulous.) Kirk got kicked out before he was ever let in.

Kirk Cameron’s sister, Candace Cameron Bure, also a former child star and self-righteous evangelical Christian and children’s author, wants to put God back into sappy television shows. She defended the baker who refused to bake a cake for a gay wedding. Kick ’em out if they’re out, that’s her religion.

Arizona TV celebrity, former news anchor and loser of the gubernatorial midterms, Kari Lake, prayed with three televangelists on Flash Point, one of the many “Jesus only” shows that the far-right Victory Television Network airs at no charge, to pray away the stolen election. Victory is a nonprofit TV channel in Arkansas. They don’t need advertisers because they have gullible viewers who send their money to TV Jesus so they don’t get kicked out of Heaven.

The Florida Republican state senator and sponsor of the “Don’t say gay bill,” Joseph Harding, was indicted on federal charges for money laundering, wire fraud, and making false statements. He ripped off the SBA Economic Injury Disaster Loan program by lying and claiming that he had two businesses with employees so he could get COVID-19 forgivable loans. He could go to jail for 35 years. Plenty of time for Jesus TV.

Former youth pastor in Des Moines, Iowa, Caleb Toney, was arrested for getting young teenaged boys drunk and inviting them to sleep at his house so he could molest them.

The assistant DA in Oklahoma, Kevin Etherington, was arrested for having 150 videos and images of child porn — little girls being sexually assaulted. He has been prosecuting sickos for this very crime in the sex offenders unit. He got fired from his last job after he was caught having sex with a coworker who wasn’t his wife (he was married to a different coworker).

The shooter in Colorado Springs is facing 305 counts including murder and hate crimes. His attorneys are no longer referring to him as non-binary because the sympathy trick didn’t work.

None of the above weirdos and pervs are trans people or drag queens.

In other news not related to big mouth Christians committing crimes, getting kicked out, and being jerks, a judge ordered Trump to keep looking for more classified documents and what do you know, his lawyers found some more in a storage unit.

Two congressional panels are looking into Jared Kushner using his position in the White House to influence US tax, trade and national security policies to benefit himself and his family’s real estate business. Congress is investigating whether he convinced the Saudis to blockade Qatar after they rejected Jared and said no to refinancing his 666 5th Avenue building before its loan came due. After the Saudi blockade, he got Qatar to invest in his building (even though the fund advisors’ objected) and then got the Saudis to lift the blockade. In short, he used his power to get two foreign countries in the middle east to bail him out of a New York real estate problem. What did they get in return?

25 far right extremists were arrested in Germany for trying to overthrow the government. There were 130 raids. 50 stand accused of being in a terrorist organization that planned to take the government by force. More arrests are . One of those who was arrested is a former parliamentarian. Their plot was far more sophisticated than Trump’s plot. They had people all ready to fill posts inside the government once they kicked everybody out. They planned on shooting up power stations just like what happened in North Carolina. The group says that the current government is illegitimate and the old version of government must be installed. They were inspired by QAnon conspiracy theories. Their Nazis want to be more like our Nazis.

Meanwhile in America, it’s been 2 years since far-right extremists tried to take over the US government and the leaders are still walking around free. Some of them are even in Congress. Voters had a chance to kick them out during the midterms but they didn’t.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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