Lap Up

Spike Dolomite
5 min readFeb 23, 2021
Rand Paul contemplates his empty lap

Merrick Garland’s confirmation hearing went really well. Like Joe Biden, he is the man for this time. He gave really smart, sincere, reasonable answers to senators’ questions and was patient and respectful as Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, and Lindsey Graham played for the cameras and made fools of themselves like everybody knew they would. Lindsey ranted about anarchists in Portland and tried to get Garland to say that Jim Comey was a terrible FBI director. The 2 senators from Texas lectured Merrick Garland about politicizing the DOJ which made everyone but the Republicans puke in their laps. At one point, Merrick Garland got choked up when he talked about how grateful he was to the United States of America for welcoming his grandfather in when he was trying to escape anti-Semitism. He could think of no better way to pay the debt back to the country than by using his skills in the capacity as attorney general. He assured everyone that as AG, “I am not the president’s lawyer. I am the United States’ lawyer,” which made everybody automatically think of Bill Barr giving Trump pukey lap dances.

Today is Deb Haaland’s turn. Joe Biden nominated her to be his Secretary of the Interior. The Republicans will surely kick her in the face because they hate everything about her. She’s a real threat. She’s a she and she would stand in the way of them going in and leveling mountains in search of oil and natural gas or tearing up federal lands to build, build, build. Will they make her cry like the Dems made Brett Kavanaugh cry? Nah. She’s been getting kicked in the face by guys like them her whole life. She knows these guys better than they know themselves. She’s ready for them. She might even make them cry. Liberals are crying already because she made it this far. Finally, a Native woman in charge of protecting our land and water after the White Man nearly destroyed it all. None of those guys would dare ask her to sit in their laps.

Like Neera Tanden, Republican lap dog Joe Manchin has a problem with Deb Haaland. Could it be that it’s because his state depends on leveling mountains for money or is that she, like Neera Tanden, is an extremely competent, strong, accomplished woman of color? He voted to confirm Jeff Sessions who was so openly racist that Ronald Reagan passed him up for giving him an appointment but he’s got a problem with Deb Haaland, the first indigenous woman to be nominated to a presidential cabinet because she makes him “uncomfortable.”

Republicans are bitching about Xavier Becerra, Joe Biden’s pick for Health Secretary because he doesn’t have the right kind of experience. They confirmed Betsy DeVos who had absolutely no experience doing anything except for floating around on her yachts and hosting fundraisers for Republicans with her hands in her lap placed just so.

President Biden led the nation in a moment of silence at the White House to commemorate 500,000 deaths from covid. He laid himself bare and described grief, from his own lived experience, to honor those who are suffering loss. “They are never truly gone. They will always be part of your heart. It seems unbelievable, but I promise you, the day will come when the memory of the loved one you lost will bring a smile to your lips before a tear to your eye.” When he bowed his head to pray you could tell he was really praying. He exhibited sincerity, humility and strength, showing us once again that he is the right man for this moment. He stood with Jill, and Kamala stood with Doug, surrounded by lit candles that went up the steps of the south portico, the same place where Trump made light of covid by staging a dramatic return from Walter Reed after conquering covid as if he were Superman lapping up oohs and ahhhs as he skillfully ripped off his mask for a rehearsed, made for reality TV dramatic close up.

100,000 more people have died since Biden did the first tribute to those we have lost the night before the inauguration a month ago. 1 in 670 people have died from covid. 40 percent of the half million who have died from covid died in the last 70 days.

President Biden wears a mask even though he’s immunized. It’s called modelling respect. Something Trump never, ever did.

Joe Biden has been in office for about a month and hasn’t golfed yet. Trump golfed 7 times in Florida during his first month. Total cost to taxpayers $4 million. Joe Biden runs laps. Those are free.

The Supreme Court said no to Trump preventing the Manhattan DA from getting his tax records. Lady Justice is coming for Trump and he’s not going to be able to kick her in the face and throw her off his lap this time.

Trump is practicing his speech for his first big public appearance since moving out of the White House. He’ll be doing a MAGA rally at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC.) They announced yesterday that they have uninvited one of their speakers because of their controversial views. Too controversial for CPAC? Was it Trump? Or Young Pharaoh, the anti-Semite who says that Judaism is a “complete lie,” Jewish people are “thieving,” and “all the censorship and pedophilia on social media is being done by Israeli Jews?”

Matt Schlapp, the chair of CPAC, is concerned for Mitt Romney’s safety if he dares show up at CPAC. He’s not hateful and crazy enough for this group. He could get hurt.

Kelly Loeffler is back! She has started her own group, like Stacey Abrams, but she’s only going to register white Christian Republicans to vote because they’re oppressed. Um, Kelly — you can’t be oppressed if everything just falls in your lap without ever having to work for it and you have your own convention every year.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.