Let’s Get This Party Started

Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 19, 2024

The jurors have been selected for Trump’s criminal trial and the alternates will be chosen by the end of the day. Opening arguments will be on Monday. The judge told the prosecution that they didn’t have to give the defense the names of their first three witnesses, which is customary, because Trump has already threatened them and he doesn’t want to give him a chance to do it some more.

Trump stopped to talk to reporters in the hallway before going into court this morning and told them, “They’ve taken away my constitutional rights to speak and that includes speaking to you.” The idiot is talking to the press telling them he’s not allowed to talk to them. He’s too dumb to get the irony here.

Right away he fell asleep in the courtroom this morning. This is the third time. He’s also chewing on his cud or some gum. Neither is allowed in the courtroom. He can’t chew his cud and pay attention in court at the same time. He refused to stand when the jurors walked in. Everybody is supposed to stand. His phone rang in the courtroom and the idiot answered it.

He has been posting on Truth Social while he sits in court. He’s violating the gag order while literally standing trial. The DA says Trump has violated the gag order 7 times already and has asked Justice Merchan to hold him in contempt of court. Merchan scheduled a hearing for April 23. He has four options: a $1000 per violation fine, jail, a combo of both, or nothing.

Jury selection for Trump’s first criminal trial went fast considering we’re all used to Trump throwing sand in the gears in every single legal situation he finds himself in, but not this time. The jurors have been chosen. This is it. He had to sit captive while lawyers asked the summoned questions and many gave answers that insulted or pissed Trump off. Half of those who made the final stage of selection were excused after admitting they couldn’t be impartial. Some of those who didn’t make the final cut were: a porn star, a tabloid publisher, and a former lawyer of Trump’s who has pleaded guilty to some other crimes.

The first 2 jurors who were selected have been dismissed. One was outed by Fox News host Jesse Watters on his show when he revealed her neighborhood, occupation, place of employment, education, marital and family status, and what industry her fiance worked in. Her friends and family figured it out which really freaked her out so now she’s off the jury. She doesn’t feel safe. The other lied about never being arrested. He not only was arrested, but he was arrested for tearing down political posters in the 90s and was involved in a corruption scandal.

Trump whined to the media at the end of the day yesterday. He felt sorry for himself because this isn’t supposed to be happening to him. It’s a “very unfair trial” and the courtroom is too cold blah blah blah blah. Trump accused DA Alvin Bragg of being the fraud who falsified business records. He held a big stack of paper with him that he kept fanning through — a prop that was supposed to represent everything he has missed by having to be in court. It was just a bunch of papers he grabbed out of a dusty tray on his desk. One document was a year old. Remember when he got caught with blank pieces of paper that were supposed to be his notes while talking to reporters in front of Air Force One or with gun shot victims who had been invited to the White House to pour their guts out to the gutless wonder of a president with the big gut? Remember the binders props he would display that supposedly contained lots of policies and plans? His health care plan was a couple of feet thick. All blank.

Trump is a fish out of water, flipping and gasping, jonesing for the water. He’s out of his element. He is surrounded, for the first time since entering politics, by people who aren’t sycophants, groupies, criminals, or butt kissing Republicans. He has to contend with regular people on the jury and in the audience and serious people upholding the law in front of his face all day, 4 days a week. He can’t mouth off or perform for the cameras because there aren’t any cameras. He must behave and he can’t do it. He’s never had to do this before. He must be going through withdrawal. Seriously. He can’t get his narcissistic fix for 6–8 hours in a day. He’s gonna explode.




Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.