Reporters are waking up with a Trump hang over, that’s if they got any sleep at all. Big stories broke all day yesterday, one right after the other. Trump is toast.

Allen Weisselberg, the Trump Organization’s top financial guy and the one who really runs the Trump organization (Beavis and Butthead are just for show,) has been subpoenaed to testify in the Michael Cohen investigation. He knows everything, including what’s in Trump’s tax returns because he’s been preparing them for decades. Pass the butter and jam.

Michael Cohen said Trump knew all about the meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower during the campaign. Michael Cohen is flipping and Trump is flipping out.

Michael Cohen and Trump are dead to each other. When mobsters are dead to each other, toast happens.

When Junior testified before Congress about the meeting at Trump Tower, he lied. Lying to Congress could mean he goes to jail for up to 5 years. Pass the really crappy jailhouse margarine that you’ll have to spread with your spoon because inmates aren’t allowed to use knives.

Trump’s tweets are being investigated now as obstruction of justice evidence. If he was a better mobster, and not such an idiot, he would have stopped tweeting a long time ago. Better yet, he wouldn’t tweet at all.

He’s tweeting this morning. Witch hunt! No collusion!

Speaking of idiots, Rudy is on it! Trump’s new attorney is going on TV to say that Trump’s old attorney is a liar. Burnt toast.

The deadline to return 2,500 migrant kids to their parents was last night at midnight. The government is pleased to report that they have done just that even though 700–900 children are still stuck in the system. They have been orphaned by the US government because they are “ineligible.” They’re ineligible because the government told their parents that they could take their kids with them, but they decided not to. Kirstjen Nielsen is claiming that the parents orphaned their own children by leaving them here. “They always had the option to take them with them, and they didn’t,” she said. They were tricked into signing their rights away before being deported.

Kirstjen Nielsen expects people to believe that parents risked it all to get to America only to dump their kids and run.

Really young children have been showing up in immigration court without legal representation — little kids who don’t speak English are going up against big bad prosecutors, without their moms and dads. This is pure, cruel, un-American chaos. The government has done irreparable psychological damage to these children.

Gym Jordan is going to run for Speaker so he can be the second Speaker involved in sexual assault against young wrestlers. What are the odds of that? Actually, pretty good when you consider that most people who use their power to write legislation to regulate human sexuality are usually closeted pervs. And Republicans. When asked if running for Speaker was a good idea since he is named in a class action civil lawsuit, he said he talked to his colleagues and they’re fine with it because deep state.

The current Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, says he won’t support the Freedom Caucus impeaching Rod Rosenstein. The rest of the Republicans said no, too. That didn’t last long. Rod Rosenstein’s impeachment lasted a day before it was toast.

Trump went to the Midwest to woo the farmers (“The farmers love me!”) but ended up going off the rails again, ranting about the fake news and witch hunts.

Farmers are getting a bail out so they will still love Trump. Steve Mnuchin says,“We’re not bailing out the farmers, that’s ridiculous!” Other small businesses are being hurt by Trump’s trade war, too, but they aren’t getting any government assistance.

Kellyanne Conway says the CNN reporter who got thrown out of the press briefing got thrown out because she wasn’t polite. Since when was politeness a virtue in this administration? Trump’s tie has toast crumbs on it.

Facebook had the biggest loss in stock market history.

Somebody untied Betsy DeVos’ $40 million yacht and set it adrift on Lake Erie. She won’t miss it. She has 3 more. And a couple of private planes. And some helicopters.

All of this happened in one day. Let’s have a toast, America. Trump is toast.

Support the Daily Crime Report on Patreon!

ACTION ITEMS FOR TODAY: Call your reps to say the Trump Administration can’t get away with labeling 700–900 kids as ineligible — give them back to their families NOW! Subscribe to the New York Times, Washington Post, and your local newspaper to support our free press.

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.