Look What I Got!

Spike Dolomite
4 min readJun 1, 2023

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The House officially passed the debt ceiling deal by a 314–117 vote. The guy in the toupee who tried to punch Matt Gaetz out while they were all voting for Speaker presided over the session. There were 149 Republican yeas, 71 nays, 2 no votes. 165 Dem yeas, 46 nays, 2 no votes. The bill passed with more Democratic support than Republican.

At a press conference after the vote McCarthy and his cling ons stood there and spun the passing of the bill as a victory for Republicans because the press will report it that way without asking him any tough questions or taking a deep dive into what really happened with this vote. He said he has thought about this moment since before he became Speaker. “I wanted to make history. I wanted to do something that no other Congress has done.”

Kevin McCarthy is making history alright.

A third of the Republicans voted against McCarthy’s debt ceiling deal. The Freedom Caucus is pissed. They held their own nonsensical press conference to express their disapproval and now they’re gunning for McCarthy. It only takes one of them to get rid of him.

Jack Smith has an audio recording of Trump being interviewed at his Bedminster club for Mark Meadows’s book during the summer of 2021. He clearly admits that he broke the law by taking a classified document from the Pentagon about an eventual attack on Iran. He waved it around to show it off. Look what I got! Look what I got! I can’t show you because I could get in trouble, but look what I got! So now the DOJ has Trump, in his own voice, admitting that he knew what the procedures for declassifying information were and that he knew the document hadn’t been declassified. He more than likely showed it to someone not authorized to receive it. This fills in the 18 USC 793 elements of the crime.

MAGAs are being conned again with “Trump Bucks” — fake currency with Trump’s name and likeness on them. The promise is if MAGAs bought them now they’d be rich later after Trump was elected in 2024 because they’d be worth way more — the “Trump Rebate Banking System.” The online marketing used AI-generated audio impersonating Trump and Elon Musk endorsing the products. One idiot spent $2,200 and found out the hard way that he’s a gullible dolt when he took them to the bank to cash them in. Others have tried to use them to pay for stuff at stores. You can’t buy Trump Bucks anymore. Not because they sold out, but because the scammers got busted and the websites got taken down.

Ashli Babbitt’s mom got ripped off by the guy who started a GoFundMe for her. He kept all the money. A couple of days he ago she got arrested for simple assault for attacking a counter protester outside of the DC jail where she and her QAnon weirdo buddies spend a lot of time. They’re there to let the “political prisoners” (everybody who got busted for attacking the Capitol) inside know that they’re not alone.

Ron Desantis is campaigning in Iowa now. He’s not running for president, he’s running against “woke.” He is going to work the word, “woke” into every possible sound bite he can because that’s his brand. He told Fox and Friends that a woke mob stormed the Capitol. He also called the military woke on Memorial Day.

Since DeSantis is campaigning in Iowa right now naturally Trump had to hold his own event where he said, “I don’t like the term ‘woke,” because I hear the term ‘woke woke woke’ — it’s just a term they use, half the people can’t define it, they don’t know what it is.”

Mike Pence is going to run for president now because Mother told him he could plus he’s figuring Trump will be going to jail soon and will be out of the way.

Oath Keeper Roberto Minuta was sentenced to 4.5 years in jail. He has disavowed the Oath Keepers because he now thinks “Deranged leadership turned the organization into a political rah-rah Trump disaster.”

It’s the first day of Pride month so remember, so far in 2023 Republicans across the nation have introduced over 500 bills to strip away the rights of LGBTQ Americans, mostly trans and gender-nonconforming people.

LGBTQ DC fun fact: J Edgar Hoover, the first FBI director who had the job for 37 years under 6 presidents, who hated liberals, the Black Panthers, and Nancy Reagan, was a rumored to be a member of the LGBTQ community. He was a cross dresser who liked to sit around in women’s lingerie after a long day in the office, drinking bourbon, smoking cigars, and fingering through his blackmail list that included a lot of politicians and celebrities who were secretly gay. He kept a large collection of pornographic material, some say the world’s largest, of films, photographs, and written materials, with particular emphasis on nude photos of celebrities. He liked to look at them when he was alone and he liked using them for blackmail purposes. If anyone called him homosexual he would put them on his enemies list. He lived with his mom until his 40s. After that his constant companion was his associate director, Clyde Tolson, who he worked with and went everywhere with socially. He was his only heir in his will. Tolson accepted the American flag that draped Hoover’s casket in 1972. Tolson is buried a few yards away from Hoover in the Congressional Cemetery. J. Edgar Hoover was a Republican.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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