Losing His Shit

Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 14, 2020
It took long enough, but CNN has finally called that shit out

Trump treated reporters to a campaign video during his propaganda press briefing yesterday. That’s illegal, but he did it anyway because he can do whatever he wants because he has absolute power. He even said so, “When somebody’s the president of the United States, the authority is total.”

Reporters weren’t having it. They pushed on him and poked at him and got under his skin which caused him to lose his shit. When challenged by Kaitlan Collins about having total authority, he quipped back, “Okay! You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to write up papers on this. It’s not gonna be necessary. Because the governors need us one way or the other.” When she questioned him about his dictatorial statements he shouted, “ENOUGH!”

“The federal government has absolute power. It has the power. As to whether or not I’ll use that power, we’ll see. I have an absolute right.”

The Republicans, by voting to acquit him, gave him absolute power and he’s using it.

Dr. Fauci had to grovel on camera next to Trump to say he didn’t really mean what he said about things being as serious as they were in order to keep his job.

Trump ended his propaganda briefing by exploiting his deceased friend, Stanley Chera, to say he thought Trump was great, “He thought we’d do such a good job and he was so happy, and he was very proud of what we have done in this administration. But he was tested positive and unfortunately he didn’t make it.”

“The only reason he hasn’t thrown paper towels yet is the stores are out of them” — Karen Schwartz

Italy has shut down its Hydroxychloroquine study after 11 patients died.

The CIA has warned its employees not to take Trump’s drug, Hydroxychloroquine, because of side effects such as heart arrhythmia, which can be fatal.

After several changes and do overs, Trump’s Council to Reopen America which is made up of 2 family members with a stake in his business and 7 government officials who patronize his businesses, is still a blundering mess. Nobody knows who is leading it or what its mission is. The only thing anybody knows for sure is Trump will benefit from it.

Trump has got a number of task forces but no plan.

A week after Republicans forced voters in Wisconsin to risk their lives to vote, the results are in and the Republicans lost. Liberal justice Jill Karofsky kicked the conservative incumbent’s ass in Wisconsin’s Supreme Court election. This is a huge victory for voters rights.

Laid off workers across the country are desperately trying to get unemployment benefits but are finding it impossible to get through to unemployment offices. Some states make people apply in person, which is a health risk.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden.

Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis, has deemed pro wrestling an essential business amid a statewide stay at home order.

21 teachers in New York have died from the coronavirus.

Last month was the first March that there hasn’t been a school shooting since 2002.

“Republicans wouldn’t even hear witnesses against this man during impeachment. They have looked the other way as he has enriched himself off the presidency, turned America into Russia’s sidekick and as he now fails us during a pandemic. People are DYING. Republicans, you own this.” Joy Reid

Trump is supposed to meet recovered coronavirus patients today in the Oval Office for a photo op. Perhaps he’ll give each survivor a MAGA hat or commemorative “It’s China’s Fault” pin.

“Unlike his power, Trump’s ability to blot out the sun is near total. Yesterday we had two real news stories: Bernie endorsing Biden, and the surprising results in Wisconsin. Both obliterated by a press conference where we learned nothing new about the virus or this president.” — Blake Hounshell

Barack Obama is going to endorse Joe Biden today on TV. Trump is going to lose his shit.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.