May the Best Indicted Candidate Win

Spike Dolomite
3 min readJun 6, 2023

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Jack Smith was present during yesterday’s two hour meeting with Trump’s attorneys. They tried to claim that there was prosecutorial misconduct in the Mar-a-Lago documents case. Nice try. After the meeting, Trump ranted on Truth Social.

A separate grand jury has convened in Florida and is hearing from new witnesses.

It looks like Trump got his employee (the same guy that moved boxes for him) to flood the IT room where security camera footage is stored to destroy evidence. He said the pool flooded.

Ted Cruz went on Fox News and said, “Mark my words, I believe Garland will indict Donald Trump. He wants to indict Trump because he hates Trump. He’s angry that he wasn’t confirmed to the Supreme Court.”

The Texas Sheriff’s Office has completed its months long criminal investigation into Ron DeSantis flying migrants to Martha’s Vineyard last September and concluded that it was a crime, human trafficking, and has recommended criminal charges to the DA. This announcement was made after DeSantis did it again only this time in California, twice in three days. He tricked migrants who made it to El Paso into going with his traffickers by promising them jobs and housing assistance if they went with them. They boarded a bus which took them to New Mexico then were transported to a plane which flew them to Sacramento where they were dumped in front of a Catholic Church. California Governor Gavin Newsom is pissed. He called it kidnapping.

It looks like two of the Republican candidates running for president next year, Trump and DeSantis, will be under criminal indictments. That’s another first. May the best criminal win.

Another Republican will be campaigning next year while under indictment — Congressman George Santos will be running for re-election after someone posted $500,000 bail for him. He pleaded not guilty then started fundraising off of being jailed with, “Help me fight for freedom.” Santos doesn’t want anyone to know who paid his bond. His lawyers told the judge that he’d rather sit in jail until his trial than reveal his patron. The House Ethics Committee wants to know if this is a donation to his campaign, thus breaking the House “Gift Rule” by getting 3 outside individuals to pay for his freedom in exchangen for ________.

While the news of three Republicans facing indictments competed with each other for headlines, House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer did a press conference where he announced, again, that his committee is conducting contempt of Congress hearings of FBI documents relating to the investigation into Hunter Biden. “The investigation is not dead. This is only the beginning.” A reporter asked, “Why do you need the document at hand? You just got a chance to view it. Why move forward with contempt when the FBI says they’re cooperating in good faith?” Comer answered, “I’m supposed to take the FBI’s word that they’re investigating this?”

So much for inflation, gas prices, and caravans barreling across the border.

Indicted Republicans running for election total to date: 3.

Ron DeSantis thinks his wife, Casey (who fashions herself after Jackie Kennedy with capes and long gloves), should be on the cover of fashion magazines. Trump said the same thing about Melania. Casey copied Melania’s “I Don’t Care, Do You?” jacket by sporting her own jacket on the campaign trail. She wore a black leather jacket that had a map of Florida on the back with an alligator and the words, “Where Woke Goes to Die.” Racists in Florida have been joking about throwing Black babies to the alligators for centuries. The Daily Beast dubbed Casey, “Walmart Melania.”

Trump is totally freaking out on Truth Social. He’s confessing again.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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