Musk Rat

Spike Dolomite
4 min readNov 18, 2022


Whiny baby weirdo Elon Musk has managed to destroy the most influential social media platform in the world in less than a month. When he bought Twitter (after trying to get out of it because he said Twitter had too many fake accounts), he said he was going to revolutionize free speech. He was going to let Trump back on, fire 1,000 employees, and quintuple revenue by getting 69 million users to pay $3 a month which would cut reliance on advertising income. After he announced his plan, Tesla stock took a huge hit. He also lied to his shareholders about how much stock he put up. He paid $44 billion to buy Twitter and took out another $4 billion to keep Twitter from sinking.

It took Musk 2 weeks to take Twitter to the point of bankruptcy. He started with 7,500 employees and now he’s down to several hundred. After he fired 50% of his staff he told the rest that bankruptcy wasn’t out of the question but in the meantime, they all had to double down. They all had to report to work — no more working from home. And no more free food in the office. Soon after, the head of cyber security and the head of trust and safety quit after they watched Musk try and convince advertisers that everything was fine. To make some fast cash he announced that everybody would be charged $20 to keep their blue check mark which means that the account is not fake and has been verified. Users like Stephen King raised hell so he brought it down to $8 which opened the flood gates for countless fake, but verified, accounts. Anybody could get a blue check mark if they paid Musk $8 so people set up accounts for Jesus, Trump, Tesla, and Elon Musk.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli changed her user name to Elon Musk and promoted democratic causes and candidates. Others followed and then he banned them after saying he would never ban anybody.

Someone set up a verified account for the pharmaceutical company, Eli Lilly, and then tweeted that insulin would be free from now on. It went viral and the company lost 5% of its value in one day.

With his permission, the Washington Post impersonated Senator Ed Markey, the author or coauthor of every major telecommunication law every written over the past 39 years, to prove that if you could impersonate a US senator on Twitter you can impersonate anyone. Ed Markey sent him a letter and gave him until November 29 to explain how a senator could be impersonated. “Fix your companies or Congress will.”

So now Congress is involved and so is the FTC. The supposed genius is turning out to be no genius.

Elon Musk has a lot in common with Trump. Trump refers to himself as a genius, too. Trump inherited his wealth, too. Trump is a spoiled brat man baby, too. Trump faked his college credentials, too. Trump destroyed an entire institution all on his own, too. Trump loves to fire people, too. Trump is a fraud, too. Trump is a fake billionaire. Is Musk?

After eliminating 65% of his staff he gave the remaining 35% an ultimatum. They had to agree to work long hours at high intensity or depart with 3 months of severance pay. The deadline to decide was 5 p.m. last night and most of his employees quit. He freaked out and disabled their employee badges which shut them out of the buildings. 50 people got stuck in a parking garage because their key cards didn’t work anymore. Musk had fired the guy in charge of the key cards so they were really stuck.

He shut everybody out because he was afraid a disgruntled employee would sabotage the company, but the “genius” already did that.

Elon Musk is a national security threat now because he has foreign investors and if they’re not pissed at him for blowing their investment, they’re pleased with him because it’s all going to plan. Twitter keeps people connected all around the world — journalists, activists, elected officials, all the people you would want to silence when you want to take down democracy.

The payroll department is gone. The entire core engineering team is gone. Engineers say Twitter will be gone in a week.

“There is no longer even a skeleton crew manning the system. It will continue to coast until it runs into something, and then it will stop.” — X-Twitter employee

On top of losing Twitter, another era has come to an end. Nancy Pelosi has stepped down as leader of the House Democrats after 20 years. She says it’s time for new, young leadership. “Now we must move boldly into the future. The hour has come for a new generation.” She said she has enjoyed working with 3 presidents. She served as Speaker under 4 presidents. She left out Elon Musk’s evil ratface twin.



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.