Mutiny on the Bounty

A bunch of MAGAs overtook the Willamette River in Portland for a Trump boat parade. The flotilla created so much wake it sunk another family’s boat. Now MAGAs think this is where the expression “make waves” comes from.

The Democratic National Convention starts today. Among other messages, they’ll be going with the motto, “A rising tide lifts all boats” meaning if everybody does better then we all do better. This has inspired the Trump campaign to come up with a new slogan for themselves — “Sink all boats.”

Trump called in to Fox and Friends this morning like he does most mornings because he has nothing better to do and talked about the boats. “Did you see down in Florida? The boat parade…thousands of boats…everywhere you have a lake or a river or an ocean.” He mentioned his brother’s death but made it about him. He said his brother wasn’t jealous of him. Not even when he had a number one show, made a big real estate deal, or became president. “No matter how much I achieved, we weren’t competitive.”

Since Trump lacks self awareness and even average intelligence, he doesn’t have what it takes to trim his own sails. That mother fucker is up shit creek without a paddle. Will he abandon ship or seize control of the country like Hitler did before the state of New York is able to hunt him down and get him for enough crimes to throw him in jail? Mutiny on the bounty!

MAGAs don’t have what it takes to trim their own sails either. They think that rocking the boat means rocking other people’s boats. The boats they are rocking are their own. Dumb shits. Sink or swim, mother fuckers. Sink or swim!

“I’m confused, do I need to buy a boat to be eligible to vote or what?” — Chris Hayes

Trump is warning anybody who will listen, which amounts to anybody who is forced to listen, that if he loses the election China will own the United States and “you’re gonna have to learn to speak Chinese.”

China doesn’t want Trump to win re-election.

The US Postal Service election interference scandal is intensifying by the hour. Captain Pelosi has called everybody back to DC to sink Trump’s battle ship. Batten down the hatches and all hands on deck!

“When you pause to think he’d destroy something as essential and nonpartisan as the postal service to steal the election and hold onto power, then you should get that he’ll do anything to hold onto power and sadly we haven’t seen the worst yet.” — Steven Beschloss

Many people think that Mike Pence’s wife’s name is Mother. It’s not. It’s Karen. Karen!

Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah
Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah
Mother help to trim the sail, hallelujah
Mother help to trim the sail, hallelujah

The river is deep and the river is wide, hallelujah
And the MAGAs are sinking their own boats, hallelujah

The Republicans have left destruction in their wake everywhere they have gone the past 4 years. Rats who haven’t jumped ship yet (like Mitt Romney and Justin Amash) will have to walk the plank. That will be some great TV. Will Trump watch it from the White House or jail?

78 days until we get to vote.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.