No More Mr Nice Guy

Spike Dolomite
5 min readFeb 3, 2019

A day after Virginia Governor Ralph Northam admitted to being one of the guys in the racist yearbook photo he said, “Nope. Wasn’t me.” Nice guys finish last while politicians seem to finish on top by talking out of both sides of their butt.

2 weeks ago, the Virginia Senate honored the birthday of slave owner Robert E Lee. Lt Governor Justin Fairfax, who is black, excused himself from his duties and sat out in the lobby, alone. Nobody joined him. Not even a Democrat. Real nice. When asked to comment, he said, “Particularly in this year, which is obviously the 400-year commemoration of the first enslaved Africans being brought to Virginia, in Hampton and Point Comfort, I think it stings a lot of people in particular in a year like this. To constantly look backwards to a very divisive time and conscript people into honoring someone who — had he prevailed and gotten his way I would not be standing up there on that dais as lieutenant governor of Virginia — I think is something that we should not be doing.”

Justin Fairfax carried the documents that released his ancestor from slavery as he took the oath of office in the capital of the former Confederacy last year.

Virginia Women for Trump 2020 held a launch event at Trump’s hotel in Washington DC. When Roger Stone walked into the room, the crowd leapt to its feet and clapped. It was like Elvis had just entered the building. “Sing Treat me Nice!” They would have thrown their underwear and bras at him but they couldn’t get them off in time. Slow crowd. Roger was escorted to the stage by his body guards where he was greeted by a lady in red. She had bleached hair and wore a ridiculous, over the top, enormous, bright red bolt of fake silk wadded up and stuck on top of her head. It matched her Keep America Great red gown. Nice to meet you, Mr. Nice Guy, touch my bonnet? I made it for you.

It’s Black History Month! The most educated First Lady in American history, Michelle Obama, has two degrees — one from Harvard and one from Princeton. She is married to the first black president, Barack Obama. Michelle is a descendant of a slave, identified in the will of her white owner as “Negro girl Melvinia” valued at $475. She was sent to a farm in Georgia as a teen and gave birth to a son, Dolphus Shields, her great, great, great grandfather, fathered by an unknown white man. Her speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2016 touched on how far America has come since the days of slavery. “I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves and I watch my daughters, two beautiful, intelligent, black young women playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.”

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Fox News Has Been Bill O’Reilly flipped out after Michelle said that. He said other people built the White House, too. Not just slaves, and besides it was a good job. They were well fed and had decent lodgings paid for by the US government. Bill O’Reilly also said that Congresswoman Maxine Water’s hair looked like a James Brown wig. Bill O’Reilly is not a nice guy. Bill O’Reilly is a dick.

Some poor White House staffer was given the task of issuing a statement that says Trump’s tangerine tan is the result of good genes. The staffer didn’t mention the white circles around his eyes. Must be some kind of genetic disorder that nobody talks about. Like his new clothes, nobody mentions the emperor’s fake tan lines, they just compliment him on his nice genes.

Trump is spending Super Bowl Sunday at his private club in Palm Beach. Have a nice day.

Two US immigrant rights attorneys have been denied entry into Mexico recently. Their passports were flagged with alerts by an unknown government. In 2017, the attorneys filed a lawsuit that accused the US Customs and Border Protection agency of unlawfully depriving asylum seekers access to the US asylum process. One of the attorneys was on her way to vacation in Mexico with her family when she was taken by Mexican officials and interrogated for 9 hours without food or water. She thinks the US government flagged her passport in retaliation. The Trump administration has repeatedly accused immigration attorneys of coaching migrants to make false asylum claims. Former Attorney General Buttface Gnome Jeff Sessions said the “dirty immigration lawyers are encouraging their otherwise unlawfully present clients to make false claims of asylum.” If this was a retaliatory move on the part of the US government it is an attempt to interfere with the right to counsel. If Trump thinks immigration attorneys are going to play nice from now on he’s thinking out of both sides of his butt.

A TSA agent killed himself while at work at Florida’s busiest airport in Orlando. He jumped off of an interior balcony a couple of days after Kaitlin Bennett (AKA the Kent State Gun Girl) tweeted a photo of herself wearing a MAGA hat at an airport security checkpoint, “Went through TSA with my #MAGA hat on to remind everyone that their jobs are disposable and they’re non-essential. Their paychecks come from someone else’s paychecks. What a world we live in where we accept that. #AbolishTheTSA #TaxationIsTheft.” Kaitlin is an outspoken advocate for open carry on college campuses, including assault rifles. She’s an InfoWars loving, loud mouth anti-abortion rights activist too. Google her. Nice girl.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.