October Surprise

Spike Dolomite
5 min readOct 2, 2020

Trump and Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus. Trump blamed Hope Hicks because she got tested first. He blamed the military for giving it to her because they’re always hugging her. Trump and Hope have been travelling together for the past few days to MAGA rallies and the debate. They’ve been together in planes, helicopters and cars without masks. Hope sat alongside his entire unmasked family Tuesday night during the debate. They were told to wear masks by the state of Ohio, the organizers and an actual doctor but they refused. Surprise!

Nobody from the Trump campaign called anybody at the Biden campaign to alert them that they may have been exposed to the virus during the debate.

212,702 Americans are dead because the president is the number one carrier of misinformation and now he’s a carrier of the disease.

In other news, Press Secretary Barbie lost her cool with reporters yesterday again. She may appear polished and poised but she’s a nervous wreck. She told them that Judge Amy Coney Barrett was a Rhodes Scholar. Barret has never received a Rhodes Scholarship but she did attend Rhodes College in Memphis, Tennessee.

Trump’s ex-national security adviser, H.R. McMaster has broken his silence to say that Trump is aiding and abetting Putin.

White supremacy is alive and well in the US Senate. Republicans blocked a unanimous vote on a resolution condemning white supremacy which had passed the House with no problem.

1,600 former DOJ lawyers have called Bill Barr out for using the Justice Department to attack our free and fair elections.

Republican Governor Greg Abbott in Texas decided abruptly that each county gets only one ballot drop off box for early voting so he can keep people from doing it. Houston is huge — 2,000 square miles with 4.7 million people and 11 drop off boxes. Abbott is having 10 of those boxes removed because a lot of Democrats live in Houston.

Another former aide of Melania’s has released tapes she made of Melania admitting she didn’t give a fuck about the kids being separated at the border. To hell with Christmas too. “Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I have to do it.”

Skanky young conservative Jacob Wohl and his buddy Jack Burkman just got busted for trying to help Trump win Michigan by making robo calls to black voters in Detroit, scaring them into believing that if they voted by mail that the cops would take that information to track down old arrest warrants Credit card companies too. They have been charged with 4 felony counts and face 24 years in jail.

So Trump has the Trump Plague. The question is, do we believe him? He lies about everything else so why not this? Hope Hicks got it first and she’s his messaging and communications advisor so maybe this is her idea. Lying for him is her specialty. If he’s lying then we’ll be talking about this instead of how bad his campaign is doing or how the coronavirus is getting worse. On the other hand, if he isn’t lying then he’s going to be going nuts if he has to quarantine where he’ll be denied of his daily narcissistic supply of sucking the blood of his cult followers at his MAGA rallies. That’s the only time he ever gets fed. On the other hand, now he won’t have to debate Biden again and the media will give him sympathy and get us all to forget about the coronavirus and him cheating the government and being a white supremacist. He can tell his followers in a couple of weeks that it was no big deal and recovery was a piece of cake so he can reinforce the messaging that it’s like the common cold. On the other hand, if he gets a really bad case of it because he’s 74, obese, and has really bad karma, maybe he’ll be put on a ventilator and go through hell for 2 months only to wake up and find out that he lost the election. On the other hand, he’s been telling his followers that the pandemic is a hoax so if he fakes getting it he’ll be proving himself wrong to the only people who will vote for him. Oh wait, they never ask for proof. On the other hand, since he’s a narcissist, narcissists never admit weakness. Trump equates illness with weakness. He wouldn’t admit to being ill because then he’d have to admit to being weak. He would never do that on his own which means somebody else did. And since Fox News started explaining to its viewers what the coronavirus is right after the news broke, maybe it’s for real. If this is for real, then Trump getting it means he now represents the failure of his own policies and everybody will know that what he has been telling Americans about this highly contagious, deadly virus being a Democratic hoax is in fact a Trump hoax.

Trump makes his staff and everybody around him not wear masks. They’re not even wearing masks this morning. He demands that reporters take their masks off when they speak to him but most don’t because they don’t work for him.

Will Amy Coney Barrett stop her nomination process to quarantine since she and her family have been cozy with Trump over the past week? And what about Mitch McConnell? He’s been in close contact with Trump and Amy. The Republicans in the Senate should have to quarantine now since they’ve been huddling together.

He is exhibiting minor symptoms this morning. Maybe we’ll all get lucky and Trump will use the coronavirus to drop out of the race so he can get out of this as a victim instead of being humiliated by a landslide victory for Biden. That would be a nice surprise.

32 days until we get to vote.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.