It’s Day 2 of jury deliberations for the Kyle Rittenhouse double murder trial. The judge had Kyle draw the names of the jurors to decide his fate like it was a game of Bingo (in Kenosha, 18 jurors listen to the case and 12 are randomly drawn to deliberate.) That’s not the only inappropriate, biased thing he did. He invited Kyle to stand with him to look at something during the trial as if it was Take Your Son to work day. Oh boy.

As sloppy as the Rittenhouse prosecution team was, they did finish strong with a video of Kyle shooting one of his victims, Joseph Rosenbaum, 4 times. The first shot incapacitated him and the last shot, which was in the back, killed him. Self defense? Over kill. Whatever the verdict, there could be more trouble in the streets. One side is going to be really pissed and if it’s the side with the guns, people in Kenosha better stay inside after the verdict is read. The National Guard has been called in.

Mark and Patricia McCloskey of St Louis were spotted outside the Kenosha County Courthouse, looking to make news since he’s running for Senate. They’re famous for standing outside of their mansion pointing guns at BLM protesters as they walked by last summer. When asked what they were doing there the candidate said, “We’re just here to take in the verdict in the Kyle Rittenhouse case. We feel for Mr. Rittenhouse. We think he acted in self-defense, we think he’s been politically prosecuted, as were we. We hope the jury finds him not guilty on all counts.” If the verdict is guilty, they better get to their hotel room as fast as they can or run the risk of gun nuts like them pointing loaded guns at them on the street.

Moms with pandemic fatigue who have been beating themselves up for not wanting to spend more quality time with their children are feeling less guilty now that Wendy Rittenhouse came along. They can look at her whenever they feel like a bad mom and say to themselves, “No matter how bad my day was, I’m a better mom than her.”

QAnon weirdos went back to the spot in Dallas where JFK was shot to wait for John John again, this time at night. They thought a lamp post was him and started singing, “We are the world.” Oh, boy. What a world.

A new pill to cure covid once you get it is about to come out on the market. That’s great news for the millions around the world who want the vaccine but haven’t been able to get it. For American idiots who have willfully refused the life saving vaccine, this miracle pill should be made as hard to get as an abortion in Texas. Dipshits should have to travel to another state where the pill is available, but only at one clinic where there are hard core anti-vaxxers standing outside with loaded guns chanting “Trump Trump Trump!” and threatening to shoot people walking into the clinic in self defense. Once inside, they should be made to sit in a waiting room for 24 hours and be forced to watch a looping video of people dying from covid saying their final goodbyes to family members over FaceTime. After that, a guy in a John Kennedy Jr. mask should give them the pill like communion.

Governor Ron DeSantis and the anti vaxxers in Florida are giddy with “we told you so” excitement after learning that their covid numbers have gone down. See?!!! See?!!! Covid is no big deal! It’s going away without vaccine, mask and social distancing mandates. We did it! See? We told you guys! We’re number one! We’re number one! Their numbers are low because way too many people have gotten covid and either died or survived. This is not the kind of herd immunity that people in first world countries should aspire to. In a state with a population of 21 million, 3.7 million got covid and 61,000 died. Most of the dead had the vaccine and facts at their disposal but refused both. Now their kids have to go on after being abandoned, having to live with the fact that their parents chose willful ignorance over them.

Speaking of willful ignorance, Chris Christie is trying to rebrand himself as the new white meat so he can run for president. He dared to go on Nicolle Wallace’s MSNBC show to promote his new book and she called him out for writing about bias in the media without ever mentioning Fox News. Jersey boy, Jersey boy, Jersey boy. Big boys don’t cry. Walk like a man.

Republican congressman Gary Palmer of Alabama took credit for the infrastructure bill after not voting for it and calling it socialism. He released a statement on Twitter with a post, “Completion of Birmingham’s Northern Beltline has been a priority of mine since I was elected to Congress, and new funding for the project has now passed.” He’s had 16,600 negative comments so far, calling him out for being a hypocritical, self serving jerk.

Election fraud! Election fraud! Kirk Hartle, the guy in Nevada who voted for Trump twice in 2020 by using his dead wife’s ballot, lucked out as all white boys do and only got probation and a $2,000 fine. He’s a right wing weirdo and works for a rental company that has hosted both a Trump re-election campaign event and a QAnon event. If he were black, he’d be in jail.

And another insurrectionist is crying in jail. Danny Rodriguez, who electroshocked Officer Mike Fanone with a taser at the Capitol and gave him a heart attack, wants his videotaped confession thrown out of court. In it he called himself “stupid” and an “asshole” and was scared his mom was going to find out. He admitted how stupid he was for going to the Capitol because Trump told him to. “Oh, God. I shouldn’t be crying. I’m a grown man and I knew what I was doing.” Why cry now, Danny Boy? Your mom already knows.

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Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.