Oinko Boinko Boing Boing

Spike Dolomite
4 min readAug 23, 2019


China is going to impose tariffs on the US in retaliation for Trump doing it to them. Trump will keep telling people that the economy is doing great! Because of me! If you don’t vote for me it won’t be great anymore! Boing! Boing!

The CEO of Overstock and deep state conspiracist theorist, Patrick Byrne, has resigned after everybody found out he was boinking Russian spy, Maria Butina. He says the FBI told him to do it (boink Butina, not resign.)

A school district in Colorado has added the following to its list of back to school supplies — buckets, kitty litter, and trash bags so kids have something to pee in in case they’re locked in their classrooms if someone tries to shoot up their school.

Meanwhile, some white guy sat on a couch on the Fox News set, flanked by 4 white women showing a lot of leg, and pontificated about the homeless defecating in the street and shooting up marijuana. The camera guy had to stop himself from laughing out loud because everybody knows you smoke marijuana through a boing.

Speaking of Fox News, Fox hired Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Not to sit on the couch and show some boob and bare leg, but because she lies like the rest of them. Oink oink.

Good news — billionaire libertarian David Koch is dead. He gave a ton of money to Republicans so he could rule over America without ever having to run for election. His legacy is being the architect of planned human suffering, and profit at all costs. He and his brother have stolen more from America than Donald J. Trump. They economically enslaved thousands, pushed extreme right propaganda, gobbled up cash, assets and resources at a record pace and forced millions into poverty. Good riddance. Don’t let the oinko boinko hit you on the head on your way out.

“There’s nothing wrong with the capitalism
There’s nothing wrong with free enterprise
Don’t try to make me feel guilty
I’m so tired of hearing you cry” — Oingo Boingo

Mike Pompeo is thinking about running for Senate in Kansas so he can make laws that reflect his deranged religious beliefs instead of being Trump’s ding dong boinkety boink business manager (secretary of state.)

An island off the coast of Louisiana is disappearing slowly because of climate change.

Whacko weirdo oinko boinko Texas mega church superstar, Robert Jeffress, says that American Jews and their children will be cursed by God if they vote for Democrats. This doesn’t mean a damn thing to American Jews because they don’t care what whacko weirdo oinko boinko Texas mega church superstars say.

Huge stashes of cocaine were discovered in boxes of bananas in stores throughout Washington state. How are the Republicans who’ve got their voters believing that immigrants are drug dealers going to explain this? They carried the boxes of bananas on their backs as they hopped the fences and swam the Rio Grande and then stole a bunch of mini vans from pure as the driven snow soccer moms to transport them to Washington? How do you do cocaine, anyway? Republicans wouldn’t know because they’re pure as the driven snow. Do you smoke it through a boing?

US citizen Ramon Torres, a working man, family man and homeowner with brown skin, was held in a Louisiana jail for 4 days even though he was carrying his US passport, a driver’s license and his social security card. The sheriff says their policy is to detain first and ask questions later, “just in case.” Sheriff also says, “Oink oink.”

This makes Trump and his only oinko boinko, Stephen Goebbels Miller, very happy. Their evil plan to make America white as the driven snow is taking shape.

Speaking of shape, Trump has never been to the White House gym. Obama used it every day.

“I challenge Donald Trump to any physical or mental feat under the sun. I mean, gosh, what could that guy beat me at, being a slob?” — Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang

President says, “Oink oink.”

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.