One of Us!

Spike Dolomite
4 min readSep 3, 2019


The president of the United States spent Labor Day weekend ignoring a mass shooting, pretending to monitor a hurricane headed for his country club, rehashing old grudges and golfing.

He cancelled his trip to Poland to do such important work. Nobody called him out on it because everybody is used to it by now and nobody expects any more from him. This is normal.

No. It’s not.

Cat 5 hurricanes, mass shootings, a criminal president and a Senate that protects him, and a press that won’t ask hard questions or tell it like it really is are the new normal now?

When a reporter asked Trump if he had a message for Poland on the 80th anniversary of World War II he replied predictably, “I do have a great message for Poland and we have Mike Pence, our vice president, is just about landing right now…I just want to congratulate Poland.” The stupid fucking idiot congratulated Poland on the 80th anniversary of the German invasion because he’s a stupid fucking idiot.

Speaking of stupid fucking idiots, a school in Nashville banned the “Harry Potter” series because they say the books risk conjuring up evil spirits.

As he has done with other hurricanes, Trump is pretending like he’s an expert meteorologist and not a stupid fucking idiot while everyone stands straight faced next to him and pretends like he’s not a stupid fucking idiot. Then he goes back to his room and tweets out petty, mean, insane bullshit and everybody pretends like he’s not a dangerous stupid fucking idiot with too much power who could get us all killed if someone hurts his feeling on a bad day.

Man made Dorian is tied with the Labor Day Hurricane of 1935 for the most dangerous hurricane on record. Exactly 84 years ago. It is now literally parked on top of the Bahamas — the worst case scenario. It won’t move. People are in their attics with the roofs shredded off their houses and the water is rising up to the roof lines. The prime minister says it’s a historic tragedy. The devastation is unprecedented and extensive. They can’t assess the damage yet because the hurricane is still on top of them, chopping everything up like Satan’s garbage disposal.

Meanwhile, evangelicals are sitting smugly on dry land, secure in their belief that if those heathen black islanders hadn’t read Harry Potter or had sex with someone of the same gender none of this would be happening.

Mad king and hurricanes fun fact: King Lear yelled at a hurricane because of the mistreatment of his daughters, Caligula waged a war against the Sea God Neptune and the English Channel, and Trump golfed.

Evangelicals are more upset that Beto said, “fuck” on TV than they are about why he said it.

Fuck fun fact: FUCK is a medieval word that means fornication under consent of the king. If Trump knew that, he’d try and take credit for it but he wouldn’t know that because he’s a stupid fucking idiot.

The United States is the 118th safest country in the world, down 53 places from last year. People are too afraid to travel here and if you do live here, you’re too afraid to leave your house. Stupid fucking idiots think all of their guns make us “free.”

A man in shoot-em-up, yee-haw, everybody get your gun Texas whipped out his piece in a Popeyes restaurant in Houston because they were out of chicken sandwiches. Stupid fucking idiot chicken shit.

Instead of naming mass shootings after the town or cities they happen in, let’s start naming them after the politicians who voted against stopping them.

A stupid fucking idiot president is what you get when highly educated Republicans who went to the best colleges and universities convince their voters not to trust Democrats who went to the best colleges and universities because they’re snobs and elitists and liberals.

Stupid fucking idiots say, “One of us! One of us! One of us! God save the King!”

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.