Orange is the new Blackmailer

Spike Dolomite
4 min readAug 11, 2019


Trump is re-tweeting Clinton killed Epstein conspiracy theories.

The whole Trump family is accusing the Clintons of murder.

“I just got off the phone with Q. Was at car wash so bad connection, but here’s what I think they said. Don’t quote me. Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide on 8/10/19. 8 + 10 + 19 = 37 The name Bill Barr has 8 letters. 37 + 8 = 45 Donald Trump is the 45th President.” — Andy Lassner

There is no way that #ClintonsBodyCount started trending minutes after the Epstein news broke without a plan in place. Someone or something was ready to push that out in full force.

Alex Acosta’s deal with Epstein 10 years ago mysteriously immunized unnamed co-conspirators and now they’re off the hook again. Huh.

Bill Barr is going to get to the bottom of Epstein’s death. Expect a letter in a few days and a press conference in 2 months where he’ll tell us who didn’t do it.

Donald Barr, Bill Barr’s father who gave Jeffrey Epstein his first access to an endless supply of pubescent girls by giving him a job teaching in a high school without a degree, wrote a science fiction book about sex slavery called, “Space Relations.”

“How long before we find out the coroner for Epstein is Bill Barr’s brother?” — Bill Phelan

“America 2019, where the president’s concentration camps gets pushed out of the news by the president’s mass-shooting fanboy which gets pushed out by the president’s thumb’s up photo op which gets pushed out by the president’s child-sex-trafficking bestie’s quote-unquote ‘suicide.’” — Jeff Tiedrich

Of the 40 deadliest US mass shootings since 1949, 7 of them happened 10 years before the assault weapons ban and 2 occurred after the assault weapons ban. There have been 26 mass shootings in the 15 years since the assault weapons ban expired.

A reporter asked Trump if he had a message for kids who are nervous about going back to school after the recent mass shootings. His answer? “Go and really study hard and someday you’ll grow up and maybe be president of the United States. They have nothing to fear, they have nothing to worry about.”

Trump threatened retaliation against countries and organizations that issue travel warnings against the US that alert people that they could get shot if they come here.

Ivanka tried using a shooting in Chicago, a real issue that she doesn’t care anything about, to deflect from the shooting in El Paso so people will stop picking on her Charlie Manson dad.

Speaking of Chicago, Trump is thinking of pardoning former governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, who was sentenced to 14 years in prison for trying to sell Barack Obama’s state senate seat even though he was impeached and convicted immediately and has been sitting in jail for 7 years. Nobody misses him. His only friend is Donald Trump, his boss from The Apprentice.

Trump says about Kim Jong-un, “People say he only smiles when he sees me.”

A woman who was found to have meth in her vagina claimed it wasn’t hers. She wasn’t wearing a red MAGA hat but if she was, it wouldn’t be hers either.

Republican fun fact: Ted Bundy was a Republican.

People have been out in the streets in Moscow for 3 weeks protesting for free elections while Americans can’t be bothered with reading the Mueller Report.

Lady Gaga is going to fully fund classroom projects in Dayton, El Paso, and Gilroy, to do something good for the kids who are going back to school after mass shootings in their cities in the past 2 weeks.

Meanwhile, washed up sexist Republican Kid Rock took a shot at Taylor Swift on Twitter: Taylor Swift wants to be a democrat because she wants to be in movies….period. And it looks like she will suck the door knob off Hollyweird to get there. Oldest move in the book. Good luck.

“I’m so mad at Kid Rock that I’m going to go in my attic and find his latest cassette from 1996 and throw it out” — Tony Posnanski

Kid Rock and Ted Nugent are Trump’s friends. Their songs, You Never Met a Motherf**ker Quite Like Me, Po-Dunk Lowlife, So Hot, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Wango Tango, Stormtroopin’, and Jailbait should be played at Trump’s presidential funeral.

Will Trump die in jail too?

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.