Pig Newt Ton and Famous Anus Lindsey Graham Cracker

Spike Dolomite
4 min readJan 26, 2023

Atlanta’s District Attorney, Fani Willis, could be announcing any day indictments for the case regarding Trump trying to steal the election in Georgia. She said at one point that they have targeted 17 people. Who could they be? Who could they be, great fortune cookie of justice? Trump, Mark Meadows, John Eastman and Rudy for sure. Who else? Newt Gingrich and Lindsey Graham? Chips ahoy!

Newt Gingrich was invited to voluntarily come in and talk to the Select Committee about his role in the fake electors scheme, his communications with members of Congress before the attack on the Capitol, inciting violence on right-wing media, pushing the Big Lie, and advising Trump’s team to create TV ads to provoke MAGAs over election fraud, but he deleted his cookies instead. He was subpoenaed by Fulton County in Georgia but he fought that in court and lost so he had to testify.

Newt Gingrich started the whole war on democracy when he was Speaker 30 years ago. He’s Sugar Grand Daddy of the MAGA Republicans, the originator of smash mouth politics. He led the impeachment bake off to get Bill Clinton. That’s when the breakdown of the GOP started. He changed the politics of politics and poisoned the dough. Democrats went from being democratic opponents to being the enemy. Congressional gridlock started when Republicans wouldn’t let the Democrats see their recipes or share the kitchen. They refused to compromise or work in a bipartisan fashion as they had done in the past when government functioned the way it was designed to. The two parties are supposed to work together to find common ground. The truth no longer mattered. Republicans were only interested in power and burning Democrats so they started campaigning full time instead of governing. They declared war on the Democrats. Rush Limbaugh got really big during this time. He was the Grand Daddy of right-wing, Republican propaganda media. He and Newt Gingrich perfected the recipe for evangelical ginger snappeds. After getting the ingredients just right, they put them in the oven, turned up the heat, burned them and got them to believe that burnt was best. Newt built up the idea that America was headed for an apocalypse but only the burnt cookies could be saved from the burning pits of hell (if they voted for Republicans, of course). Over time, conventional Republicans lost control of their conventional ovens and were taken over by half-baked radicals. Newt Gingrich left the speakership in disgrace (he was rolling the dough of an intern at the same time Clinton was but Pig Newton justified his bake sale by saying he didn’t lie about it under oath). He has managed to stay relevant for 30 years by going on Fox, etc, to stir up the raw cookie dough, make predictions and suggest calls to action. He has said over and over that the 2020 election was stolen. He supports banning books, demonizing the free press, controlling what is taught in schools, and cheating. He accused the FBI of planting evidence at Mar-a-Lago when they showed up with a warrant to retrieve classified documents. He said the people who served on the Select Committee were all going to go to jail when Republicans took control of Congress. He thought Trump should pardon himself and his family before he left office. Pig Newt Ton is a monster.

And then there is boy scout cookie, Lindsey Graham. He didn’t share any cookies with the Select Committee but he was forced to with the Fulton County grand jury. They subpoenaed him and he fought it all the way to the Supreme Court and lost. He’s in really big trouble for calling Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger in November of 2020 to ask him to eat just the right amount of cookies by throwing out ballots so Trump could win. He lied about doing that, so Raffensperger recorded him the second time he called. Lindsey told reporters that it’s not a big deal that he talked to the secretary of state in Georgia about the election, he called the secretaries in Nevada and Arizona, too. He can do that because he’s the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee. He was just doing his job. What was his job? Quality assurance at the Felony Fraud Cookie Company? He said he did it because he has a genuine concern about “election integrity,” he was just inspecting. That’s not it. He’s concerned that Republicans won’t win, and if the Republicans don’t win, Trump might pull the door off of Lindsey’s cookie closet which has been closed to the public since he was in the Navy. After the election he said, “If Republicans don’t challenge and change the US election system, there will never be another Republican president elected again. President Trump should not concede.” He doesn’t care about the country or democracy. He used to. Famous Anus Lindsey Graham Cracker is a monster.

Lorna Doom Lindsey Graham fun fact: Republican emails were hacked at the same time as the Democrats during the 2016 presidential campaign. Among those hacked was Lindsey Graham. That could explain why he went golfing with Trump after he won the election and never returned. Trump knows where the Graham cracker crumbs lead. He has receipts.

Thumps up, Cookie Monsters. Trump is gonna eat you. The only cookies they serve in jail are Smack Wells.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.