Rat Race

Spike Dolomite
4 min readFeb 15, 2022


Opossums are not rodents. Stop confusing the two. They are marsupials who will play dead if threatened, not gnaw your face off in the middle of the night while you’re sleeping.

Rat face Republicans are trying out a new Hillary Clinton scandal to deflect from trying to overthrow the government. Fox News’ Jesse Watters said on his show, “I would like to see Hillary treated the way OJ is, you know he’s not really welcomed places. Right now she’s a certified political criminal. She paid people to hack into Trump’s computers. When you look at January 6th and you look at this, what did more damage?”

The Trump Organization’s accounting firm Mazars (auto correct changes that to Magats) says it can’t vouch for Trump’s financial statements from 2011–2020 and are retracting two statements they’ve made central to his case. They’re cooperating with prosecutors and are gonna rat the Trumps out. Junior snorted the rest of his stash upon hearing the news and went live on social media and Eric went on Sean Hannity’s show and cried. Ivanka is preparing for a face off (more plastic surgery to completely remove her face so she can show it in public again.)

Anthony Weiner made his first cable news appearance since getting out of jail by going on Sean Hannity’s show. The chyron at the bottom of the screen read, “Anthony Weiner Coming Up.” Rat-a-tat-tat! Good one, chyron maker guy with a sense of humor! What are you doing at Fox?

The judge is throwing Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit out against the New York Times because she didn’t prove malice. The case was a total waste of time and money plus Palin spread covid by ignoring quarantine when she went out anyway after the trial had to be delayed because she tested positive. New York will be happy to see that bug infested rat’s nest, that lipstick wearing pit bull, that hockey mom ding bat LEAVE.

Joe Manchin is opposed to picking a new Supreme Court justice so soon to the midterms. Rat fucker.

Mitch McConnell mocked the Democrats’ sudden shift on mask mandates by politicizing masks once again — “The only science that’s changed in the last two weeks is the political science. The only data that’s changed in the last two weeks is Democrats’ polling data.” Mitch the Bitch has rat droppings in his pockets and underwear he’s so dirty.

Kristi Noem is raising money for her re-election campaign in South Dakota by using her bill that stops the teaching of Critical Race Theory even though it’s never been taught anywhere in the state. She’s got other ads where she promises to keep trans kids out of the girls’ locker rooms and off of their sports teams because she’s like poison that kills everything but rats.

Imagine how different things would be if people knew what the hell was going on instead of being rats caught in a maze. School board members are receiving death threats all over the country over a race war that the Republicans started. All of the assholes causing all the trouble in restaurants, stores, school board meetings, and city council meetings haven’t suffered a day in their lives. Three blind mice — Obnoxious, Obvious and Oblivious. Blinded by the white.

Russia is pulling troops back from the Ukraine border calling it an “exercise.” It’s a trap but who’s the rat?

The Missouri Supreme Court suspended the law licenses of Captain and Tennille (Mark and Patricia McCloskey) for violating ethics standards by standing outside of their mansion and pointing guns at peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters walking down the street in St. Louis. It won’t hurt Captain’s candidacy for US Senate though because he’s a Republican. Muskrats love gun nuts.

Speaking of muskrats, Marjorie Taylor Greene called the GOP’s hero, Ronald Reagan, a RINO.

Deborah Birx, the matronly, modest, scarf wearing doctor who covered for Trump about the dangers of covid and flattered him on camera, has a book deal. Will she rat him out for profit like so many others have done before her? Save the best for last while letting covid spread?

Trump is upset that rat fink Scooter Libby, who he pardoned, attended a fundraiser for Liz Cheney. Now he’s trying to find out if he can rescind the pardon. You dirty rat! That’s how gangsters talk.

The RNC is trying to back out of calling the insurrectionists “patriots engaged in normal political discourse” by qualifying what they meant — they meant to say there were a few bad guys who caused all of the death and destruction and everybody else were fine upstanding citizens exercising their first amendment rights.

The rats are starting to jump ship.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.