READ THE DAMN REPORT

Spike Dolomite
4 min readMay 30, 2019

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Bob Mueller, after 2 mysterious, long years, SPOKE…..for 9 minutes. What did he say? Russia attacked us, fuck y’all — read the damn report, and Congress: It’s time to impeach.

Nancy Pelosi wasn’t moved. She said that 200 members of her caucus don’t want to impeach and 38 do. She says most Americans don’t want them to impeach. People don’t have the facts. If that’s true, then why isn’t she encouraging the American people to read the report? Why aren’t all members of Congress asking their constituents to read the report? Why aren’t constituents putting pressure on their Republican reps to READ THE GOD DAMN REPORT?

Republican Congressman Justin Amash got 2 standing ovations at a big town hall he did in his district in Michigan — one when he walked in and the other after a man stood up and commended him for calling for impeachment. It wasn’t a diverse crowd, either. A whole lot of older white people. When a MAGA in a red hat took her turn at the microphone to yammer on about the deep state and Hillary Clinton, he replied, “You haven’t stated any facts.” Call him when you actually read The Mueller Report. The building that the town hall was held in was named after Betsy DeVos’ family because they paid for it. They’re pissed at him now and say they won’t give his campaign any more money. It’s OK, he won’t need it.

Kevin McCarthy and John Cornyn say Justin Amash just wants attention. Justin hasn’t done any interviews but Kevin and John have.

Trump had the Navy cover up the name on the USS John McCain while he was in Japan. They took a tarp and hung it over the ship’s name, took everything down that bore John McCain’s name, and parked a barge in front of the ship to obstruct the view. Sailors were given the day off so Trump wouldn’t see their caps with USS John McCain on them. Warships in the harbor were invited to send 60 to 70 sailors each to hear Trump’s address, but the USS John McCain’s sailors weren’t invited. When some showed up anyway, wearing their uniforms with the ship’s insignia, they were turned away.

“It’s as though the entire executive branch, including the Department of Defense, has been co-opted to serve the pathological narcissism of one man.” — George Conway

According to the Department of Justice’s rules, if Trump went nuts and shot a bunch of sailors wearing USS John McCain caps, he couldn’t be indicted.

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House.

Trump’s campaign and Mar-a-Lago have been hit with federal subpoenas. The feds want to know more about the Chinese massage parlor and the owner’s role in fundraising for Trump.

Millionaire Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley pushed for the farmer bailout and got it. He has already received $370,000 in farm aid, twice as much as what he makes as a US senator. The government pays him to do nothing in Congress and now it’s paying him to be a farmer that doesn’t farm.

The Texas secretary of state, David Whitley, resigned after he tried to purge 100,000 people from the voter roles.

MAGAs can’t tell you why they support Trump. They just love him for who he is.

“It’s time to stop saying we need to understand these people. We understand there is no political scandal massive enough, no President’s Tweet reckless enough, no legislation predatory enough to alter their allegiance.” — John Pavlovitz

Before heading outside to bullshit pool reporters this morning, Trump tweeted: I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected. Then he deleted it. When the reporters asked him about it, he said “No, Russia did not help me get elected. You know who got me elected? I got me elected. Russia didn’t help me at all.” Then he rambled on about Bob Mueller saying he’s INNOCENT, that he didn’t tell the Navy to get the USS John McCain out of his sight, and get ready because “We are going to do something very dramatic on the border.”

Read the damn report.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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