Red Balloon

People were more afraid of stray bullets falling from the sky in Montana from yahoos trying to shoot the Chinese spy balloon than they were of the actual balloon itself. MAGAs and gun nuts all wanted a shot at it. Marjorie Taylor Greene told her followers to shoot it if they saw it. Since twice as many Republicans died from COVID than Democrats because they were too stupid, duped and stubborn to get vaccinated, wash their hands and wear a mask, they’re definitely stupid enough to believe they could shoot something 12 miles up in the sky and hit it, so normal people took cover from the idiots with trigger fingers, just like they did when the pandemic was raging and they had to protect themselves from neighbors who refused to protect their neighbors. The last time Americans were this fixated on a balloon they got punk’d by a weirdo reality TV couple who had people believing that their kid was stuck up inside the balloon. President Biden ordered the military to shoot it down as soon as it safely drifted past the coastline of South Carolina where debris could fall into the ocean and not fall on anybody’s head like MAGA bullets falling from the sky.

“Could Rudy be up in that balloon? Is that where he’s been?” — Some guy on Twitter

“Has anyone proposed shooting a gas stove at the balloon to pop it yet?” — Brian Klaas

Trump said the Chinese would never have flown a blimp over the US when he was president because Xi had too much respect for him. The Chinese did fly their spy balloon over the US when Trump was president — three times. He denied that ever happened. Senator Tom Cotton from Arkansas blamed Obama for the commie red balloon. He’s just jealous that the balloon didn’t fly over Arkansas so he could get his picture taken with it.

Speaking of Arkansas, McCarthy and McConnell have chosen Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the new governor of Arkansas, to give the MAGA Republican response to Joe Biden’s presidential address tomorrow night. Sarah grew up in the governor’s mansion with her balloon butt family. Her dad, Mike Huckabee, was governor. She is also Trump’s former press secretary who lied every single day for him. Arkansas was a lot smarter when Bill and Hillary lived in the governor’s mansion.

Jim Jordan, one of the lead insurrectionists who has never been held accountable for his role in the attempted coup even though there is proof that he attended meetings, texted Mark Meadows often before January 6, and talked to Trump on the phone while the attack was going on, got re-elected and is the chair of the House Judiciary Committee even though he was in contempt of Congress for blowing off the Select Committee’s subpoena. Irony of ironies, he has issued his first subpoenas. He subpoenaed the DOJ, FBI and Department of Education for documents to find out if the DOJ threatened teachers and school officials to abuse and target conservative parents. This will go over like a lead balloon, just like everything else he tries to pull.

Liz Cheney’s replacement in Wyoming, Harriet Hageman, who looks exactly like George Santos in drag (could they be the same person?) told Newsmax that the goal of Jim Jordan’s Weaponization of Government committee that she serves on was formed to ultimately defund entire agencies of the ballooned government.

Jim Jordan fun facts: He can’t lose re-election because his district is so gerrymandered it looks like a baby carriage with an old-fashioned tube television set on a pole, mounted to another district.

Jim Jordan’s district

The Republicans in Ohio drew a line around all of the white Republican voters and proclaimed, “Safe!” Jim Jordan has safely held his seat since 2007 without earning it or doing anything for his district which is why he feels so confident about blowing off work and never doing anything but showing off on worthless committees like Benghazi, performing for the camera like he’s still in high on the school wrestling team. He’s never passed a single bill. He holds a performative role in the GOP, the dumb jock who struts his stuff on campus, barely getting Ds, but knowing he can’t get kicked out of college because he’s the team’s star player and has a scholarship. He somehow got a law degree but never passed the bar. When he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State University, he ignored the ongoing sexual abuse that went on in the locker room showers around the corner from his office. The team doctor molested teen aged athletes on a regular basis. When victims started coming forward to tell their stories the doctor freaked out and killed himself, but Jordan denied knowing anything. He gets away with covering that up just like he does covering up trying to overtake the US government. He’s using the power that Kevin McCarthy gave him to investigate the DOJ which could be investigating him. He thinks he can wrestle his way out of this like he has everything else in his life so he’s not worried. He still rants about Hillary on Fox and plans on doing that for as long as he wants to (or until his ballooned ego is finally popped by going to jail).

Marjorie Taylor Greene, who got re-elected in Georgia without trying because a Democrat could never win in her district, wants everybody to know what a sacrifice it’s been for her to work in government. “Becoming a member of Congress has made my life miserable. I made a lot more money before I got here. I’ve lost money since I’ve gotten here.…I don’t enjoy it.” Her dad handed her his million dollar construction company which afforded her a life of luxury without really working for it. She’s just finding out what her job is after sitting out her first term because she got kicked off her committees for being a dangerous lunatic. All she did for 2 years was make selfie videos to spread conspiracy theories, bitched about the Democrats, and stalked people. When she mentioned that she had to spend too much time in Washington and not enough time back home, she wasn’t talking about being back in her district meeting with constituents, she meant she missed getting to fly home in a balloon like Dorothy where she’d get to wake up in bed with her banker, personal trainer, and fore(play)man.



Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.