Republican Criminals

Spike Dolomite
5 min readOct 20, 2022

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New York’s Attorney General, Letitia James, finally caught up to Trump to serve him with a subpoena. He’s been dodging her for weeks. She got him while he was being deposed in the E. Jean Carroll case.

Trump got busted for creating a new company, Trump Organization II, so Letitia James issued an injunction to keep him from moving assets and asked for a special master to oversee it.

E. Jean Carroll’s attorneys have once again asked for Trump’s DNA.

Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota made an emergency address to announce that once again she opposes vaccine mandates. She never enforced a mask mandate when COVID was raging in her state. She’s running for re-election so she wanted to remind voters that they don’t need to fear her or the government because they are FREE! They have LIBERTY! At one point during the pandemic, South Dakota had the highest COVID test positivity rate in the country — 3,000% higher than New York. The infection rate was 8,000 cases per 100,000 people. Noem kissed up to Trump hoping to be his running mate in 2020 and to get as much publicity for herself as she could. She hosted a MAGA rally at the foot of Mt Rushmore and did what Trump would do by going on TV to repeat her own Big Lie — “South Dakota got through the pandemic better than anybody.” Nope. Her state was ranked as one of the worst for most infections and deaths. She got lots of attention for showing off her guns and picking fights with the Democrats. When her state was experiencing a lot of COVID infections during the worst time of the pandemic, Kristi Noem tweeted: If folks want to wear a mask, they are free to do so. Those who don’t want to wear a mask shouldn’t be shamed into it, and govt should not mandate it. We need to respect each other’s decisions. In SD, we know a little common courtesy can go a long way.

Another physically fit brunette running for governor, Kari Lake, who has great arms but never gets criticized by the Republicans for wearing short sleeves like Michelle Obama did, who also kisses up to Trump and has already won the election in Arizona no matter what the vote count is, said on stage during a campaign event that she believed that if Martin Luther King Jr. were alive today, he would be an “America First Republican.” She’s campaigning with Tulsi Gabbard who just announced that she left the Democratic Party. Nobody cares because she never was a member of the Democratic Party anyway.

Doug Mastriano says if he is elected governor of Pennsylvania, he will ban pole dancing, porn and CRT in elementary schools on his first day.

Texas governor, Greg Abbott, who is up for re-election and shouldn’t win because he’s so horrible and is running against a great Democratic candidate, Beto O’Rourke, but could win because it’s Texas, had no comment about school districts giving DNA kits out to parents so they can quickly identify their kids in case they get shot at school by a Republican protected mental case with a gun, because they’ll be unrecognizable after being shot with an AR-15, the most cherished gun in the state of Texas.

Speaking of deranged teenaged killers with easily obtained AR-15s, another white 15 year old boy went hunting for humans along a walking trail in Raleigh, North Carolina. He shot 7 people and 2 dogs. He started at his house, then went outside and shot his neighbors, and then ran into the woods and shot people as they leisurely strolled along a path along a river. The rampage went on for 2 miles. 5 people died. One of them was his own family member and another was an off-duty law enforcement officer. It was the 533rd mass shooting of the year. 34,000 people have died (over half by suicide).

Crime is part of the GOP platform for the midterms. Murderers, rapists, drug pushers and illegal aliens are supposedly taking blue cities over but the truth is, 8 out of the 10 states with the highest murder rates in 2020 voted for Trump. The murder rate went up 40% in red states in 2020. Mass shootings are not part of the GOP crime platform, however. That’s not really a crime. Criminals are illegal immigrants, drug addicts and homeless people in cities with Democratic leadership.

Republican Crime Fun Fact #1: The murder rate in Kevin McCarthy’s conservative district in the boondocks of California’s farm and desert country is twice that of Nancy Pelosi’s big city liberal San Francisco. Hippies and the highly educated don’t really fit the profile of the GOP’s evil, murderous, drug pushing deadbeats and invaders.

Republican Crime Fun Fact #2: 67 year old Republican, Perry Hooper Jr, son of a former Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, a former member of the Alabama House of Representatives, the co-chair of Trump’s state campaign 2016, and National 2020 Trump Campaign Victory Committee member, was charged with first degree sex abuse 6 weeks ago after he grabbed a waitress by the breasts, humped her from behind and kissed her neck at a restaurant in Montgomery. Repugs brush it off as no big deal. Did you see what she was wearing?

Republican Crime Fun Fact #3: Republicans are constantly accusing Democrats of being sexually depraved perverts who “groom” children (MAGA Republicans flat out call Democrats pedophiles) but it’s very rare that a Democrat is ever arrested for sexual crimes involving children. It’s almost always Republicans. Take for instance MAGA Republican running for the college board in Arizona, Randy Kaufman. He was literally caught masturbating in his car by campus police outside of a preschool. His excuse? He was stressed out. Randy Kaufman has worked for the Arizona Department of Corrections for 27 years.

Republican Crime Fun Fact #4: The entire Republican party, except for Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney, have done nothing about Trump’s crimes against the country or crimes against humanity.

Voting for Republicans aids and abets criminals.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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